GOOOOD things today!

"...Home at last and now it was the time she had been looking forward to all week: fire-escape-sitting time. She put a small rug on the fire-escape and got the pillow from her bed and propped it up against the bars. Luckily there was ice in the icebox. She chipped off a small piece and put it in a glass of water. The pink-and-white peppermint wafers bought that morning were arranged in a little bowl, cracked, but of a pretty blue color. She arranged glass, bowl and book on the window sill and climbed out on the fire-escape. Once out there, she was living in a tree. No one upstairs, downstairs or across the way could see her. But she could look out through the leaves and see everything" (A Tree Grows in Brooklyn).

This beautiful glimpse into a little girl's life made me grateful this morning when I read it. I also have great news today!! I was informed of a good friend's travel plans today and I am COMPLETELY stoked and excited in a vicarious-living kind of way :) This is amazing news and will be a great experience (I'll give you more details in a few days)... In other travel news, my friend John Jolly from UW is heading off for his DTS in New Zealand later this month and will be blogging faithfully. If any of you are interested in his experiences, I'll post his links off to the right. Finally, another friend from UW and my Irish traveling buddy, Machalla, left for Kyrgyztan with the Peace Corps on Sept. 13. Records of her first few weeks are posted at her blog, and it's amazing reading. Her links should also be somewhere up here...

My next question, and the one I daydream about everyday (sometimes more anxiously than others)... where am *I* going after I graduate? Please keep me in your prayers :)

north of the border!

I've had an amazing, crazy couple of days in Vancouver with Mayra, which must be recorded for posterity's sake. Whoever Posterity is....

We had an easy time finding our way to the hostel. We paid $6 for parking and were sent out exploring because the hostel's computers had crashed and they couldn't check us in right away. We walked down the street and found a mall and a hidden vintage clothing store. Very stylish. Lunch was provided by a semi-skeezy but overall satisfying Chinese food restaurant which was wedged between two exotic sex toys store. The adventure begins! Upon returning to the hostel, we found our room and took a nap, tired out from our strenuous trek across the border. We woke up and took the first of many drives around the city. We looped around Stanley Park, asking tons of strangers to take tons of pictures. It was really beautiful to be on the water at sunset. That night, we met our first friends in the hostel, who were Mexican (a bonus for Mayra)... we planned to meet up the next night. Our roommates Monday night were two older Australian ladies with cute accents. One was a minister, a fact she wouldn't have revealed to us except I mentioned that I went to Mexico on a mission trip. She hides the truth about her profession, both in Australia and in fairly liberal Vancouver, where she and her sister-in-law were vacationing. It was kind of weird to sleep with two strangers on the next bunk over, but this - combined with the drunken ruckus upstairs and outside our door - reminded me of dorm life and comforted by this strange sense of familiarity , I fell right to sleep.

On Tuesday Mayra and I walked to Chinatown, had lunch at McDonald's and walked back to Chinatown to see a garden. Then we took a bus to Granville Island, which was kind of like Pike Place Market except cleaner and bigger. We devoured some much needed ice cream, which was surprisingly difficult to track down, and then figured out how to take the bus back to the hostel. After this adventure, and another nap, we drove to Commercial Drive and Broadway, which actually reminded me of Capitol Hill's Broadway. We came back because we were supposed to meet the Mexicans, but they never showed. The next day, they said they came to meet us, but I know they didn't because I was waiting in the lobby. It's all for the better, because Mayra and I decided afterwards that they were irresponsible and sketchy. Instead, we got slightly dressed up to go explore the city at night, and ended up at Starbucks until they kicked us out at eleven. We had sweet drinks and great conversation. I got to explain the difference between "would" and "wood" and how to use the word "rather." When we had to leave, we walked through a park with a fountain and decided to eat breakfast there in our pajamas at 7 the next morning. We walked the streets until 12, trying to avoid the prostitutes who, even as I avoided them, broke my heart. I felt ashamed to be viewing the city as a tourist. When we finally returned to our room, we met our new roommate for the night - her name was Yosune, and she (divine coincedence) was also from Mexico. She was supposed to have met her friend at the airport when she flew in, but he wasn't there. She took a taxi to his apartment and waited five hours, but he never showed up - and she cried when she was kicked out of the building, and eventually ended up in our room. Needless to say, she was distraught. It was miraculous, though, because God provided her with someone to speak Spanish with (Mayra) and food (just our granola bars, but they were better than nothing) and a promise of a car to find her friend in the morning. I couldn't believe how God had worked it out. So we all went to bed happy, I think, and exhausted.

We woke up the next morning at 10am... not quite in time for our park breakfast, but at least we were rested. We got ready, checked out of the hostel, and headed out for a no-so-nutritious Burger King breakfast. We then drove to the Embassy building and headed for the eleventh floor, where the Mexican consulate was located, in order to track down Yosune's mysteriously absent friend at work. He had a good excuse for not picking her up, and a lovely, strong, booming voice besides, so we decided he'd be okay to drive us all to my car to get Yosune's stuff. Just as they pulled away from us, and Mayra and I were about to leave Vancouver, my car key broke in half. Just completely in half. The end, thankfully, fell to the ground instead of getting stuck in the door. Mayra and I just looked at each other in disbelief. "Time for an adventure!" we said, and smiled nervously... the rest of this four hour adventure can best be explained using numbers.

Unforseen expenses:
$2 for a phone call to AAA Roadside Assistance
$3 for a postcard and souvenier, and the directional help of two friendly (and bored) employees at a gift store in the mall
$4.50 for bus fare to make our way completely across town to find a locksmith who graciously offered to charge us far less than our first estimate of $75. This expense was miraculously paid by God, who knew I was coming to the end of my emotional rope, and through a merciful fellow traveler who heard of our plight when I was begging the coffee shop lady to exchange American dollars for Canadian coins. This man gave us what turned out to be exact fare for the bus, and refused my money in return. I cried.
$10 for a new key
$40 for a parking ticket left on my car, under a sign reading "No parking between 3pm and 6pm"
The experience of a lifetime, and more adventure and trouble than I could imagine, only two and a half hours from home... priceless. *you must have known that was coming....* ;)

Just random stuff

Alright, now for an update! It's been awhile since I posted, but I don't think anyone minds too much :) Lately, I feel neutrally bouyant. You know in middle school science classes, how there's a tank of water and some things are positively bouyant and you can't keep them off the surface, and some are negatively bouyant and sink straight to the bottom. Me, I'm kind of floating in the middle, and it's a long way to the bottom and to the top. When I think about my life, I get kind of overwhelmed... it's scattered, it's not in neat little compartments. Which I think is what I've wanted all along, but it's a little hard to define sometimes, and sometimes I like definition. I have been working, which is wonderful. And I am learning to use the register, so I don't feel like a fifth limb hanging off the person I work with. Fifth limbs historically have not been very useful, and even have a tendancy to get in the way. Yeah. So I'm starting to feel like a whole person at work. What else... I miss my friend Jessica. I haven't seen her in ages. I've been attending Bethany Community Church in Greenlake, which is an adventure in itself. I'm scared to invest and "put myself out there" (there's got to be a proper way to say that) but I'm trying to overcome my hesitation. It takes a lot of work to start new relationships and become part of a new community. I have no idea what God has in store for me there. This week I've been wandering aimlessly around my house, doing chores halfway and eating out of boredom. Ahh, for school to start again... I have a love-hate relationship with that thought. I'm still asking God what He'll have me do after I graduate next year. So far, all foreign countries (okay, there are a few exceptions) are still equal intriguing to me.

I am in love with the youth group kids and am blessed everytime I hang out with them, because their community reaffirms God's existence and love. It's amazing. God is amazing. And now it's time for a nap.

How do I love myself?

Was thinking awhile ago about Jesus' command to love others as we love ourselves. I ran across a scrap of paper on which I'd written ways I do this - and thus, ways I could love others. Thought it might be interesting?

How I love myself... Forgive, give grace, give external explanations for bad behavior, cut slack, buy hot chocolate for comfort on bad days, allow myself to skip class, let myself only be accountable to God, allow myself to make mistakes, get enough sleep, pay to see a counselor, buy gifts on random occasions, rest and play, celebrate victories, don't let myself be pressured, trust my instincts, do what I love, go to bookstores, eat chocolate, make time in the day to spend with God, battle pride, pray for help, let go of anxiety, listen to my heart.

I hope I will do these things for other people!! ..

Psalm 40

I waited patiently [or...not so patiently] for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.

Brave - Nichole Nordeman

The gate is wide, The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground, You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo, I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough, You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small, And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all, I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump, Even ready to fall...

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me, That changes everything

I've had a miserable time these past few days trying to comprehend the fact that I won't be at youth group anymore, hanging out at least once a week with all of my favorite people. There's a gaping hole in me, and I'm heartbroken. For any youth ministry students and staff reading this, you really do mean the world to me and I have felt the full extent of this loss over the past few days. I have asked God to confirm that I've made the right decision, and he gave me encouragement through three close friends today and I have a little more peace in my heart. I am so scared and exhilarated by this move to leave Northlake. I feel like I'm in the first few seconds of free-fall on one of those zipper rides at the fair. My stomach has migrated north, and I can't quite catch my breath, even to scream. There's no way to go back, to get off this ride. The ride doesn't usually last too long, but knowing that doesn't lessen the intensity of the experience. At this point, I'm struggling to imagine how God could provide me with an equally wonderful, beautiful group of people. But, like Steve said to me tonight, I've just jumped off a cliff, and it might take a little while for my parachute to open. My life right now looks like a barren wasteland, stretching out for infinity, but I think this will just make God's surprises that much more delightful for me to receive.

Thanks for your prayers. I'm praying for you all too.

I am employed!!

I'd like to thank God and the Waterfront Coffee Company.... :) I have recently joined the work force (Sharon, I will see you Tuesday:) ... I'm totally, pleasantly surprised how this worked out in the end, and how God's used this whole period it to loosen my grip on "my" life throughout this summer. I have been trusting him to give me what I need financially (according to what He knows is best), and it's been totally freeing...what (it seems) He's taken with His right hand, He's giving back with His left. This is cool stuff. Life can change in a second, you know?

Also, with all the free time I've had lately, I've been trying to organize and consolidate all this stuff in the attic from my childhood, and the process has been unexpectedly therapeutic for me. Remembering where I've come from, who I am, who I'd wanted to be...It's comforting, and I can rest. And it reminds me why I'm a lovely person, which is something I forget alot. Anyway, a lot of random thoughts. Going to keep going in God's grace - it's worked so far. I love you all.

Prayer of Confession

From a church in San Francisco - I like it.

"Father, we cry out to you as people who are sitting in the depths. On the surface, we profess to have it all together. Some of us claim to have mastered our lives through competence. Others of us distance ourselves from pain and disappointment through our deep cynicism. Most of us do both in a desperate attempt to maintain control.

But you know every nook and cranny of our hearts. You know the games we play. You know our insecurity. You know our fear. You know that we would rather die than give control of our lives to you. Our fear, anxiety and misery flow from our distrust of you.

So Father, the only reason we come to you now is because you have promised to embrace us. Your love for us is even stronger than our distrust. We believe that since you drove your own Son away from your embrace, you will now run to us. Forgive us and heal us we pray, for Jesus' sake. Amen."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's an excerpt from my prayer of praise tonight. Awesome stuff going on right now, thanks for letting me share! :)

"LOOOOOOOORD! Thank you so much for all the amaaaaazing blessings of today! Oh, they’re too many to count, but I’ll give you the highlights. First is that I took my car in today to have it buffed out and get a little shinier, and when I came to pick it up, it was PAINTED – they gave my car a new paint job!!!!! They said they had extra paint and it was easier to paint than it would have been to buff it out. Oh my gosh. It looks totally brand new, I never could have imagined that this would happen. It’s so wonderful because I didn’t even think the thought before I got there, like, “Oh, maybe they painted it too!” or something….thank you that it was a total surprise, beyond what I could have imagined happening. This is so beyond me…the mechanics were sitting around when I got there, and the car was pulled into the middle of the shop. At first I thought it was just wet or something, like they had just washed it, and I didn’t understand at first that they had actually PAINTED it. I thought they were joking when they said that! I couldn’t even speak, I was so amazed! It looks so beautiful!!!! What an enormous blessing! One of the mechanics laughed and said, “Hey, it’s like ‘Pimp My Ride’” and it totally was! I felt like I was on some candid camera tv show. They practically gave me a new car!!! Ooh geez. I’m SO excited to see it in the daylight and drive it around. What an amazing evening. I’m so glad I got to come see it tonight when everyone was there to know how grateful I was, instead of tomorrow when no one would be there. They were even going to come pick me up at my house to take me to get it! I’m so amazed by Jeff and his workers. It's time for an unabashed plug of the West Coast Collision Center in Mountlake Terrace. Amazing.

Second blessing…Waterfront Coffee Company finally called me today, out of the blue. They realized they needed more workers. I’ll go in for an interview on Monday. Remind me to not be nervous. The most amazing and lovely part of this whole situation is that at the beginning of the summer, you taught me that whatever unfolded this summer, that you were in charge of it. You have total control over whatever happens. Knowing that helped me accept the fact that the Company didn’t call, and to realize that it must not have been planned for me to work there. That you had something else in mind. I’ve been able to enjoy every day since summer began, just taking them as they have come, because I know that you have me where you want me. You are sovereign. So I guess the thing I’m most excited about was that you helped me let go of the job, of the vision of me working at the beach for the summer. And now that you’ve opened the door back up, it’s no longer my idol. I don’t worship that vision. I know I’ll be just as okay to continue waking up every morning without a job, not knowing what the day will bring. Thank you so much for helping me to trust you in this. Which reminds me….this is an answer to prayer! I prayed this morning, I think, that you would give me money to travel the world. That you would give me jobs as you see fit. And I still don’t know for sure that I have this job, at all. But I thank you that them calling today helped me realize what an awesome thing it is that you’ve done in my heart.

Other great things of today…got to spend bonding time with Adam. Found shoes for Tasia’s wedding that only cost about $10 (from $42) after clearance and the use of my birthday gift card. That was great! Adventure #1 of the day: I went rollerblading, realized I didn't know how, sidestepped down the first hill on the Interurban trail, had to go to the bathroom but didn't want to give up on this exercising adventure, so I trudged with my rollerblades into the woods next to the trail and tried to remember what my dad's camping book said about which plants were poisonous. Adventure #2: Got totally stuck ankle-deep in the mud when I walked Buster today, and was able to laugh about it as I pulled my flipflops from where they got sucked underground :)

I don’t know why, but you’ve led me into a huge season of contentment and rest and faith and blessing. I don’t know why, but I’m amazingly grateful. Thank you for showing your love to me in these ways. I pray these lessons you’re teaching me will last on even when if these amazing blessings dry up or something. "

tons of blessings today

I'm sitting here using my new upstairs internet connection. Friends stopped by before youth group and installed this for me...I had no clue they were coming, and it was such an awesome surprise.

I took a walk when I woke up, a rainy European morning. I loved the weather today, which leads me to blessing #2: I wasn't depressed at all when I woke up to grey skies. A HUGE improvement over earlier attitudes.

Birds singing outside, even in the evening dark. Smelling freshly-baked cookies, supposed to be vanilla but taste like sugar cookies, wonderful all the same. I had a good time reading through Hebrews with Katie Pedersen today. Totally confusing but really good to be reading the Bible. A short chat with Jessica on her break, and no more bangs in my eyes.

I'm making small, underneath changes in my attitudes toward things. I'm struggling to deal with my mom dating and being gone every night. I pictured how when she walked out the door to go to dinner, I would say "Have a nice night!" with raised eyebrows and a smile so maybe I'd convince even myself that I meant it. The truth is, I miss my mom. Even though I'm 21 and should have a life of my own. I know, I know.

Realizing that my passive-aggressiveness finds release in eating crappy food I don't really want and I'm not hungry for. I need to speak, honest words, instead of stuffing my face.
But life is good. That's all I have for now. God bless you guys.

HHHHHEEEEYEYEEEAHHH!

My paper's done! My quarter's done! I NEVER have to think about those classes again!! And I'm really sorry for those who still have a week left, but I am SUPER HAPPY. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUSTON AND HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY STEVE!! It's time now for me to go watch Garden State or write a song or read or do WHATEVER I want. A parting thought, as I log off in bliss tonight...

"God Said No" lyrics - Dan Bern

i met god on the edge of town where the wind meets the stillness where the darkness meets the light where the ocean meets the sky where the desert meets the rain where the earth meets the heavens on the edge of town i met god

i asked god, do one thing for me send me back in time, send me to seattle let me go find kurt cobain take away his gun, take away his bullets talk to him, make him want to live tell him how we love him, help him see his glory

god said no, if i sent you back, if you really found him you would only ask him if he could help you get a deal if he knows a lawyer, if he could help you god said no

i asked god, do one thing for me send me back in time, send me to berlin let me find the one they call hitler i will stalk him, i will bring him down i will bring along a powerful gun, loaded with bullets obliterate his memory

god said no, if i sent you back you would get caught up in theory and discussion you would let your fears delay and distract you you would make friends, you would take a lover god said no

i asked god, do one thing for me send me back in time, send me to jerusalem let me go, let me go find jesus let me save his life as they try to kill him let me take him down, down from the cross take the iron from his body, try to heal his wounds

god said no, if i let you go, if you really found him walking with the cross you would stare your tongue no longer working, eyes no longer seeing, ears no longer hearing

god said dan, time belongs to me time's my secret weapon, a final advantage god turned away from the edge of town he knew i was beaten and now was all i had

god said no

a glimpse into my world right now

Title:Sommer

Can a Mathematician See Red?

Consider the sphere -
A hollow rounded surface
with no thickness.
Each point that we see
from the outside
is also a point we can see
from the inside.

If I paint red
all over the outside,
is the inside red?

The mathematician says NO,
for the layer of paint
forms a news sphere
that is outside the outside
and not a bit inside.

A mathematician
takes safe pleasure
in surface mysteries.

A poet
will see red
inside.

-JoAnne Growney

Inspiring Words

"I...used to spend an abundance of time, in walking alone in the woods, and solitary places, for meditation, soliloquy and prayer...I very frequently used to retire into a solitary place, on the banks of Hudson's River, at some distance from the [New York] city, for contemplation on divine things, and secret converse with God, and had many sweet hours there...

I had then, and at other times, the greatest delight in the Holy Scriptures, of any book whatsoever. Oftentimes in reading it, every word seemed to touch my heart. I felt a harmony between something in my heart, and those sweet, powerful words. I seemed often to see so much light, exhibited by every sentence, and such a refreshing ravishing food communicated, that I could not get along in reading. Used oftentimes to dwell long on one sentence, to see the wonders contained in it; and yet almost every sentence seemed to be full of wonders...I found, from time to time, an inward sweetness, that used, as it were, to carry me away in my contemplations, in ...a calm, sweet abstraction of soul from all the concerns of this world, and fixed ideas and imaginations, of being alone...sweetly conversing with Christ, and wrapped and swallowed up in God. The sense I had of divine things, would often of a suden as it were, kindle up a sweet burning in my heart; an ardor of my soul, that I know not how to express."

Sweet.

good day, sunshine!

Hello, happy campers. I spend so much time complaining, and today I've had a lovely day, so I wanted all of you to know. God helped me wake up in a great mood for some reason (instead of irritated before anything bad even happens) and I got to see Stephanie (wonderful girl I'm hanging out with this week) before she went to school. No fighting with her brother! Yay! And class was alright, got to spend a whole hour and a half with one of my most favorite people, plenty of time in the beautiful sunshine, and MY BIRTHDAY'S TOMORROW! I'm so excited :) Nothing more I could wish for on a day like today. Thank you all, thank you God! Amen!

Hotel Rwanda, discussion

A (heated?) discussion tonight with a bunch of awesome people after watching "Hotel Rwanda"...I wanted to give you guys this link, in case you're interested in a unique Christian perspective as you process this movie:

Brian McLaren, "The Passion of Hotel Rwanda"

And God, help us move past criticism to make a positive influence in this world...

Photography

Yes, I'm still on a foreign country picture kick :) These ones are awesome.

http://www.earth-photography.com/Countries/

I really like the pictures of Austria and Slovakia...

Europe, please!

Hello, my friends :) Today was one of the strangest days I've had ... Europe's been on my mind and beating loudly in my heart. You know when you feel like your insides are going to come out, like you're going to burst if you stay in one place? That kind of thing. I was reading the Bible this morning, really reading it for the first time in a long time, and the sky was grey, and for a second I was right back in Ireland and outside were people with amazing accents and old, wonderful buildings I'd never seen before and entire cities to discover...it was full-blown nostalgia, and I think this was the beginning of my restlessness.

Afternoon brought an unexpected wave of loneliness, and the realization that the hole in me was so huge, no one person could fill it. I didn't know what to do with myself - couldn't decide whether to stay or go, so I ate lunch at a park in Seattle, fleetingly wondering if the men leaving their group in the woods one by one were drug dealers, and returned home to Lynnwood. A long nap made me feel like like *I* was on drugs...

I can't settle down tonight. Web-searching for pictures of Dublin has replaced the homework I should be doing. I can't stay, and I can't go, and my heart's full to bursting and I don't know what to do. I'm sick of school, but know I need to finish the quarter. Even the thought of facing tomorrow has me in a tailspin... I want to sit on a chair next to the street and pretend I'm old and have all the time in the world to dream.

http://photos1.blogger.com/img/277/995/640/Dublin%20(107).jpg
http://home.kc.rr.com/blizzardplease/Dublin%20Shops.jpg
http://www.arrakeen.ch/europe/184%20%20Dublin.JPG
http://www.arrakeen.ch/europe/182%20%20Dublin.JPG

let me out of the boat.

I'm sick, sick, sick of the lifeboat. I WANT OUT. I'm done with performing, for ego - fighting to defend my ego like I'll die if I don't. Life and death out of things that are TRIVIAL. Sick of needing to protect my identity, to be affirmed. SICK OF CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK, as if they're the last word on my self-worth. It's disgusting. Even strangers have the ability to cause my defenses to rise. I'm like that little dinosaur on Jurassic Park who the fat guy thought was really cute until he got close and it felt threatened and it FLARED ITS NECK SKIN and hissed at him. Okay, this isn't making any sense, especially if you haven't read "Searching for God Knows What."

I get pissed when the dog doesn't obey me - as if he was threatening my sense of authority and my ability to control my life. I get mad when my brother ignores me when I'm trying to talk to him - frustrated to point of tears. Rage tears. Why?! Because my validation and sense of importance hangs on his reaction to me. My issues, I know. But it's a joke. I'm pissed at living in this system.

I just had to let the world know. I want to be done.

i would take a bullet for you

It doesn't matter if they call me wrong
Doesn't matter if they steal my song
Doesn't matter if we're all along
It doesn't matter at all

'Cause I would take a bullet for you
I would take a bullet for you
I would cross any line, I'd swim across the sea
I would take a bullet for you
I would take a bullet for you
I would lose it all, I'd take my fall
To show you it's for real

-Mat Kearney, "Bullet"

So, I had a thought tonight when I was listening to this AMAZING song. "Yes! Yes, I will take a bullet for you! This is Jesus love, extreme love. I would take a bullet for anyone - isn't that what Jesus did? It wouldn't matter who you are...even if you're my enemy."

But...I won't load your dinner dishes for you. I won't call you back, or respond to your emails. I won't turn the tv down when you ask. I won't pray for you. I won't help you with school. I won't buy you a Coke. I won't let you merge in front of me, or give you space to change lanes. I won't listen to you when you have a bad day. I won't smile at you when I've having a bad day.

It doesn't make sense, and because I realized that, things make complete sense. Yeah, if I'm going to get prepared to take a bullet for someone or pour my life out for people, I need to start with these things. For sure.

Thailand Blog!

http://laceythailand.blogspot.com

Journal entries, pictures, lyrics... =) Enjoy!

Initial thoughts on Thailand

adventures in sense:

a monk in a 7-11.
at moments, the worst city smells you can imagine. all at the same time.
trees that look like Africa.
the girls' giggles as we try to speak their language.
heat and fans.
smiles from strangers.
deafening sounds of Hungry Hungry Hippo - they've played for hours.

I don't know how to sum up our trip so far. It's been so unlike what I was expecting - the people here don't notice us, which is a huge relief. I don't know if Chiangrai gets a lot of tourists, but they've generally ignored this conspicuous group of white people. It gives me the illusion that we're blending in...

So good to finally see Eden House after all I've heard. It's bigger, it's beautiful, and it's a home. These girls are sisters and the McCauleys are parents - with more and different issues to face, I think - but parents. And they're good ones.

The Thai culture seems such that the McCauleys' long-term, family-oriented, discipleship ministry is one of the most effective ways to bring about change. As these girls learn and grow spiritually, there is huge potential that they can then influence their respective villages and cities, their families and friends from before they were Christians. But they need lots of prayer - aspects of society pose huge challenges for girls and young women trying to follow Jesus.

Luke 13:6-9

I love and miss you guys like CRAZY!!!! Be good! Take care of my mom! Love, Lacey

*my* turn to post on love!

oh, wait..........

;)

Nothing fancy tonight :)

I haven't posted lately - been too concerned with the daily living that I haven't had time to step back and make swooping generalizations and ask myself abstract questions :)

Tonight, though, I'm totally overwhelmed by God - at how He's given me faith this week, and worked out the problems I've faced with my professors as I try to convince them to work with me for my Thailand trip. God reminded me that He never said this would be easy, and by His grace, I haven't let mean people drag me down this week. A wonderful talk with my T.A. today, and as an added bonus, I met a girl from Australia ;)

A week, you guys! A week and we're off to Thailand...I feel like I've spent so much time sorting out details for going that I haven't actually thought about the trip itself. Does that make sense? I'm getting excited, though. I really want to expect a lot from God - I need Him to help me dream. I don't want to be such a realist (about the shortness of this trip, the fact that I don't feel called to Thailand) that I forget child-like excitement that keeps me up at night.

One more thing I'm reminded of this week...I can't make decisions about my life and schedule based on what my friends, or family, or society says I "should" be able to handle. This week, God's expanded my capacity for doing a lot of things everyday, and I've had a great attitude. A miracle, I think. Usually I spend time busy, frustrated and resentful...or lazy - and guilty about it. I need to take my cues from God and listen to my body and mind telling me when enough is enough. When I need to stop. Even if everyone else would call me lazy. Maybe I can only handle school and one job a week - I need to be okay with that. I'm not accountable to them. This is good news for me :)

A few of my favorite things

My favorite things about tonight:
-A chance to make up for a lost phone call with Jess (I hope it's an accepted substitute!)
-An evening with my magical friend and precious girly conversation
-Arts and handicrafts
-A $330 bunny
-A new perspective on an amazing movie (A Beautiful Mind - sorry Jess, I couldn't wait!)
-A phone call from the closest thing to that special someone
-MiniEggs.

School's good, dinner's good, night's good. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

I wonder...

If God had a blog, what would He post?

deep God thoughts

...A shoutout to Steve for this one - A deep God thought for you.

Homegroup tonight was amazing. I walked in with a lot of random concepts, and the Holy Spirit somehow pulled everything together. The coolest ideas I walked away with:

1) Jesus gave sight to a blind man (John 9), and the group thought about what he must have experienced when he first saw the world. About how it might be a lot like us trying to imagine a new color - every color we could picture in our heads was something we'd already seen. A new color would require a completely different category in our brains, a new place conceptually....a new plane....and we moved on to think about how following Jesus was like trying to imagine a new color. Totally above our abilities to imagine, requiring total faith, completely different from anything we'd experienced. Jesus gives sight to the blind. Us.

2) That the church today spends so little time repenting. We were trying to figure out how we're supposed to repent...after every sin? At the end of every day? A blanket prayer, or for specifics? I was struck by the thought that if we really, really understood our sin as God does, and could trace its destruction and how it devastates ourselves and God and other people (Five People You'll Meet in Heaven), how somber we would be as we asked for forgiveness. Not just a sidenote in the Sunday reflection prayer before church was dismissed. Maybe Catholics and Episcopals have that idea right, that it is worth taking time every week to dwell on our sin, that we might truly understand grace.

3) Chapter 11 from Chocolat...Serge physically abuses his wife, Josephine, and later asks her for forgiveness, and she accepts his apology. He's stunned as he realizes that this does not mean she will come back to live with him. Is our repentance conditional? Do we ask God for forgiveness, expecting him also to undo the damage our sin has already done in our lives? Do we ask God for forgiveness, when all we really want is for God to put things back to normal?

Yikes. I love you guys. Lacey

two (un)related thoughts

Number one: A quote.
"I hate to be the bearer of good news, because only pessimists are regarded as intellectually serious..." (David Brooks)

Number two: A question.
What does it mean that Jessica is who she is, and I am who I want to be? I wonder if she's got the right thing going with this one...

Had a wonderful break from studying today with mini eggs and sushi and Sharon. And butter and corn and Alena. Now it's back to my notecards, friends. Spring Break beckons - I will walk two steps to the right on the calendar and be finished.

Before I leave, a warning. If your pants are too tight, don't ride your bike.

The benediction for this message can be found here.

Be encouraged by this! =)

My friend Nathaniel is an intern for a Presbyterian college ministry in the midwest. He's totally genuine in how he lives, which makes his letters even more encouraging....enjoy :)

"Please pray for these guys [the students he works with] that they do continue to wrestle with the disappointments in their lives and that they seek after and run after the God who is running after them. And you can pray for me as well. Sometimes I feel that it's easy for me to get caught up in Christianity as a process, a system of things to believe, a series of things to do. At least I think I prefer it that way sometimes, quietly gliding along on my bicycle of self complacency and self sufficiency. That is until God puts a stick in between my spokes and as I fly through the air I suddenly remember that He's real. The internship has been amazing in it's ability to re-direct me to the fellowship and the worship of the living and true God. And I pray for you all as well, that God bless you for your love and provision, and that he draw you out as well, making of you more and more of a living worshiper in the midst of whatever trials and sufferings you face."

happy and terrified

Wish me luck today! I have my first final. I'm going to be sooooooo happy to be done with one. I've been waking up in the night lately because I think there's an earthquake...not just a little one, but "the one" people predict will hit our state. And I get terrified. Until I realize my cat's still sleeping next to me, so nothing *too* terrible's going on. But it's unnerving just the same.

But then, I get into my day and God gives me joy. Like walking through the quad a few minutes ago with beaaaaautiful cherry blossoms softening the scenery...I even like the grey sky. A lot. I'm refreshed and invigorated. And I remember that I chose a life of extremes instead of middle-of-the-road nothingness. This is my choice.

Homegroup was wonderful last night, and completely convicting. Ephesians 4, somewhere, about changing our thoughts and attitudes. It's *exactly* what I needed to hear, and definitely the last thing I wanted to be confronted with. I know I can change my attitude, but I agree with Sharon - sometimes, after you live in the dark for awhile, it's WAY more comfortable to stay there. I don't know what's so terrifying about joy and choosing happiness. Maybe that's what Jesus means when he said we need courage to follow him. I always wondered what that meant for a safe, suburban, American Christian...

what can I say? I'm totally cute!

So happy togetheeeeeeer!

i am my dream come true

What I mean is....I just realized that on this particular night in history, this flash of a moment in time, I am who I want to be. I've spent years and years looking at other people and wishing I was more like them. My hypocrisy, or perceived hypocrisy, weighed so heavy...Lots of night and tears of guilt and frustrated anxiety because I knew who I wanted to be and I wasn't her. Tonight, sitting on my couch, listening to my pseudo-classical music, reading "The Good News About Injustice" and glancing for momentary happiness at my new room...yes. Right now, it's fulfilling, you know? And I'm glad to not want to be someone else. And I'm glad that I'm so content to be me.

And here's my disclaimer - the thing that doesn't fit into this rosy picture...I'm still really bad at the whole love thing. Which I think is really important and probably too heavy a subject to deal with given my present euphoric state. The relentless mantra begins to drive me to guilty knees ... knowledge puffs up, love builds up knowledge puffs up, love builds up ....

But my heart will not stand to be burdened tonight, not by anything. God will complete the good work he's started.

Dying in Darfur

I cannot keep silent anymore.

There's a burning in my heart for a place halfway around the world, a region of Sudan called Darfur. It's about the size of Texas. And people are dying, really brutally, about 10,000 a month.

I've learned about the genocide in Rwanda, and the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia and the former Yugoslavia. I've learned that the international community knew and did nothing. And I've learned that the same thing is going on right now in Sudan. Can it really be happening again?

The slightly chaotic sites linked above give information about Darfur, and what we can do to help, but here's the rundown: Arab Sudanese killing African Sudanese, with the government's help. The UN estimates the death toll to be 70,000 but that number's probably underestimated because they aren't allowed in to count.

When we wonder at the pain and suffering here on earth, do we blame God for allowing it, or do we first look to the inaction of his representatives here ...us... when we're troubleshooting?

We cannot be cynics. But we can't be indifferent, either. I don't mean to guilt-trip, because if I wasn't taking an International Relations class right now I'd have no idea what's going on. But since I've become aware of this, it's really been burdening my heart.

There are three reasons I'm so passionate about this. One, I know that it's happening right now, today. Two, it's happening to real people that God created and loves. Three (and this is essential).... I can help. I really believe there's a lot we as Americans can do to make our government aware of what's going on and our concern for the Africans in Sudan.

Clicking on the title of this blog will link you to www.darfurgenocide.org. The other site I'd recommend is www.savedarfur.com. Can we figure out a way to work together for these people? (petition, letters, spreading awareness) Please comment...

A new blog

Sharon's brought our brainchild into reality. A place to dialogue, share, comment, and wonder. I think we're starting with Hebrews 3, but I'm not sure. I'll keep you posted. We wanted to keep a discussion going and help keep our focus on God during the week.

"We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away..."

We cannot be indifferent, and we cannot ignore, what God's already told us. It's easier to remember what God's told us through his Word if we write it down, right?

Can true community be created online? We shall see, my friends, we shall see........

You can click on the title of this post ("A new blog") to connect to the site. Love you all.

I'm not bitter anymore!

So I had the weirdest experience yesterday. I woke up in a bad mood, as I had for the past week....all I could think about was what was going wrong, what wasn't happening that should, what was happening that shouldn't...and then I walked into the bathroom (that's not the most amazing part).

When I walked in, I suddenly decided that I was totally sick of being in a bad mood. I was tired of the burden of bitterness and of thinking that everyone owed me something. Martyrdom has run its course, my friends!
So I changed my attitude, just decided I would do it. It worked!! I walked out of the bathroom and THE WORLD WAS NEW!

I'm not even kidding. Before I walked in the bathroom, I turned my electric heater on thinking, "Well, I'm going to be cold anyway" and when I walked out and saw it, and I was overwhelmed by gratitude and happiness - I have an electric heater!! I have an electric heater!!!!!! That's so nice!!!

Weird, huh?

The other great thing is that last night I was starting to slip back into my mood when I got back from Jessica's party, and started journaling (highly recommended). Jesus totally met me there, reminding me of who I *really* want to be. I don't want to be a bitter old lady at the age of 20. No no no. He filled me with hope, and I'm really grateful. My baggage still drags at my feet, but there's hope, you know? So there you go. Pray for me...I hope I don't forget all of this :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JESSICA!

...for many great feats, to a wonderful friend, to a life fully lived...

I raise a toast!

TO JESSICA! AND TO MANY HAPPY YEARS AHEAD!

my comeback

I wish I was cool. I cringe to type the words...have I regressed to junior high, or was I always stuck there? I feel so overwhelmed by the task that I'm bound to just give up all together. It's better to be myself, right?! Buuuut, I would rather be like some other people.

Taking this even further (if I could be so bold as to fantasize in public)...I would also rather have someone else's relationships. Pre-packaged, well-maintained with healthy boundaries, please. I am too lazy, too scared, and too unwilling to do "messy" right now. I wish I was motivated to maintain friendships like my beautiful friends deserve!! What happened to me caring more about what God said than what I'm inclined (not) to do?

My eyes are sometimes glazed over with perpetual annoyance or boredom, and maybe partly from this cold that's clinging to me from the weekend. I hate it when my emotions intertube to the oceans from the top of Mt. Everests, but I might hate it even more when I don't feel anything.

"Now my brash hope has
dwindled into certainty and
I no longer care to question why.
But I miss the cramping hunger
that drove me to the boards,
I miss the do or die.
I was never born to be satisfied"
-Juliet Turner, "Theatre for the Broken" lyrics

God - and my counselor - are working with me to "fix" my merciless tendency to expect perfection out of life. Where did it come from? I think I picked up my mom's baggage at the carousel, but I know it would be misdirected to blame her. I get so frustrated when every detail in my day doesn't meet my divine expectations...is it a cop-out to just say I'm yearning for heaven? I think maybe, but I'm not sure.

It's sooo hard to think about school after a long weekend. So much to do...