I'm sick, sick, sick of the lifeboat. I WANT OUT. I'm done with performing, for ego - fighting to defend my ego like I'll die if I don't. Life and death out of things that are TRIVIAL. Sick of needing to protect my identity, to be affirmed. SICK OF CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK, as if they're the last word on my self-worth. It's disgusting. Even strangers have the ability to cause my defenses to rise. I'm like that little dinosaur on Jurassic Park who the fat guy thought was really cute until he got close and it felt threatened and it FLARED ITS NECK SKIN and hissed at him. Okay, this isn't making any sense, especially if you haven't read "Searching for God Knows What." I get pissed when the dog doesn't obey me - as if he was threatening my sense of authority and my ability to control my life. I get mad when my brother ignores me when I'm trying to talk to him - frustrated to point of tears. Rage tears. Why?! Because my validation and sense of importance hangs on his reaction to me. My issues, I know. But it's a joke. I'm pissed at living in this system.
I just had to let the world know. I want to be done.
1 comment:
Dave Bazan of Pedro the Lion has an ablum called [The Only Reason I Feel Secure Is That I'm Validated By My Peers]. He did an interview for Decaplis, and this is what he said:
Scott of Decapolis: My first question is, how has the critical acclaim affected you as a band? Like getting written up in Spin and you had interviews in Muddle, one of the cool underground magazines, and Hit It or Quit It among others...
David Bazan: I really was hoping that people would think that it [It's hard to find a friend] was really good. When we got the response that we did, all of a sudden I felt confident walking into rooms where I would not before, and I felt validated a lot by it. When it came time to be writing other stuff, my thoughts were "How would the press respond to it" or this and that and the other thing. It just really freaked me out, and it sort of infuriated me at the same time. Not that they did anything wrong, but that I always knew that I depended on what other people thought. It just bugged me that I would just kind of be smacked around by it in that way. So it's definitely been an interesting process trying to just find the creative impulse that wasn't dependent on peoples' reactions and then just try to seek that out and hone in on it and focus on it, rather than other people.
So I guess that's my way of saying you're not alone in your feelings.
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