my comeback

I wish I was cool. I cringe to type the words...have I regressed to junior high, or was I always stuck there? I feel so overwhelmed by the task that I'm bound to just give up all together. It's better to be myself, right?! Buuuut, I would rather be like some other people.

Taking this even further (if I could be so bold as to fantasize in public)...I would also rather have someone else's relationships. Pre-packaged, well-maintained with healthy boundaries, please. I am too lazy, too scared, and too unwilling to do "messy" right now. I wish I was motivated to maintain friendships like my beautiful friends deserve!! What happened to me caring more about what God said than what I'm inclined (not) to do?

My eyes are sometimes glazed over with perpetual annoyance or boredom, and maybe partly from this cold that's clinging to me from the weekend. I hate it when my emotions intertube to the oceans from the top of Mt. Everests, but I might hate it even more when I don't feel anything.

"Now my brash hope has
dwindled into certainty and
I no longer care to question why.
But I miss the cramping hunger
that drove me to the boards,
I miss the do or die.
I was never born to be satisfied"
-Juliet Turner, "Theatre for the Broken" lyrics

God - and my counselor - are working with me to "fix" my merciless tendency to expect perfection out of life. Where did it come from? I think I picked up my mom's baggage at the carousel, but I know it would be misdirected to blame her. I get so frustrated when every detail in my day doesn't meet my divine expectations...is it a cop-out to just say I'm yearning for heaven? I think maybe, but I'm not sure.

It's sooo hard to think about school after a long weekend. So much to do...