could it be?

I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe it...

This one's easy: God accepts me, exactly how I feel, as often as I feel it.

This one's harder: Given that God loves me like this, and He teaches humans how to love each other, there is a chance that other people could accept me unconditionally as well. Whatever I feel, as often as I feel it. Could it be? Today I betrayed my deepest heart by pretending I didn't feel. Silencing my emotions with the word "shouldn't."

This post may only make sense to me, but I'll persevere...

I hesitate to share my insecurities because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't want to be the needy one. The clingy one. The unstable one. Some days I do feel large and in charge. Occasionally, on nights like this, when the house is still and my room is dark and I'm alone in bed, my confidence dissipates and I wonder if the boldness I felt about life was ever real to begin with. Was it just a front? When I'm emotionally bleeding, certainty seems far away. If I can't accept my messy fears, how could anyone? How do I stay vulnerable and exposed and honest in these broken moments?

But this in-the-moment honesty is what I desire more than any other type of relationship. I need to adhere to this, to practice it even when my feelings aren't beautiful and my thoughts aren't holy. I need to be brave enough to acknowledge my fear that I'll be discovered for who I am and possibly rejected, and somehow still find courage to bare my heart anyway.

I guess this is the way God chose too. Seems less than majestic, I must admit. But I am committed to being a disciple of Christ. And this means exposure to ridicule. Raw vulnerability. And the chance to experience love and grace beyond what I could ever imagine. Trembling and afraid, yet still... I'm all in.