Today I scrubbed and sweated and swept my way to the status of Domestic Goddess. I am quite proud. It is good to have gray, calm days that don't force me outside and give me a chance to organize my life. Oh my, the joy of clean clothes on the line! The tranquility of a clean countertop! Wow. Listened to the Benjamin Gate while I admire my freshly-washed car. Stared at an overcast sky while I wonder what Damien Rice meant by the word "lonelily." A day at spent at home has been good for my soul.
Speaking of songs, I realized that I don't have to have a clue what a song is about in order to thoroughly enjoy listening to it. I guess I am learning this about life too. It's okay that things aren't always clear. I can enjoy them anyway.
My grandma comes into town tonight and I'm stoked. She is a wildfire. Fashions new words and snorts when she laughs and won't let me use the word "fart." She shops and runs long distances. Cleans like she's on drugs - maybe my obsession with deep cleaning is genetic. She is amazing. And I get the next three weeks to make memories and laugh so hard I pee my pants. If I'm lucky, maybe she will tell me stories like she did when I was young of a princess named Lacey. Yep, it's true. Haven't you watched "The Little Princess"? Every girl has royalty buried deep in her beautiful heart...
Tuesday, July 22
Monday, July 21
what is love? (baby, don't hurt me)
Sorry, that song always echoes back in response whenever I ask that question.
Anyway, here's a possible answer. I really like this one...
"...[Paul's] poem on love in 1 Corinthians has shattering power. It is not a vague, genial sense of well-being that it offers us but a particular, painful, birth-giving love. How to translate that one word which is the key word? Charity long ago lost its original meaning and has come to mean a cold, dutiful giving. And love is now almost entirely limited to the narrower forms of sex. Canon Tallis suggests that perhaps for our day the best translation of love is the name of Jesus, and that will tell us everything about love we need to know."
Nice, huh?
I like what she says in the next paragraph too (this is a book about faith and art):
"It is a listening, unself-conscious love, and many artists who are incapable of this in their daily living are able to find it as they listen to their work, that work which binds our wounds and heals us and helps us toward wholeness."
(taken from "Walking on Water" by Madeleine L'Engle)
Anyway, here's a possible answer. I really like this one...
"...[Paul's] poem on love in 1 Corinthians has shattering power. It is not a vague, genial sense of well-being that it offers us but a particular, painful, birth-giving love. How to translate that one word which is the key word? Charity long ago lost its original meaning and has come to mean a cold, dutiful giving. And love is now almost entirely limited to the narrower forms of sex. Canon Tallis suggests that perhaps for our day the best translation of love is the name of Jesus, and that will tell us everything about love we need to know."
Nice, huh?
I like what she says in the next paragraph too (this is a book about faith and art):
"It is a listening, unself-conscious love, and many artists who are incapable of this in their daily living are able to find it as they listen to their work, that work which binds our wounds and heals us and helps us toward wholeness."
(taken from "Walking on Water" by Madeleine L'Engle)
Tuesday, July 15
could it be?
I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe it...
This one's easy: God accepts me, exactly how I feel, as often as I feel it.
This one's harder: Given that God loves me like this, and He teaches humans how to love each other, there is a chance that other people could accept me unconditionally as well. Whatever I feel, as often as I feel it. Could it be? Today I betrayed my deepest heart by pretending I didn't feel. Silencing my emotions with the word "shouldn't."
This post may only make sense to me, but I'll persevere...
I hesitate to share my insecurities because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't want to be the needy one. The clingy one. The unstable one. Some days I do feel large and in charge. Occasionally, on nights like this, when the house is still and my room is dark and I'm alone in bed, my confidence dissipates and I wonder if the boldness I felt about life was ever real to begin with. Was it just a front? When I'm emotionally bleeding, certainty seems far away. If I can't accept my messy fears, how could anyone? How do I stay vulnerable and exposed and honest in these broken moments?
But this in-the-moment honesty is what I desire more than any other type of relationship. I need to adhere to this, to practice it even when my feelings aren't beautiful and my thoughts aren't holy. I need to be brave enough to acknowledge my fear that I'll be discovered for who I am and possibly rejected, and somehow still find courage to bare my heart anyway.
I guess this is the way God chose too. Seems less than majestic, I must admit. But I am committed to being a disciple of Christ. And this means exposure to ridicule. Raw vulnerability. And the chance to experience love and grace beyond what I could ever imagine. Trembling and afraid, yet still... I'm all in.
This one's easy: God accepts me, exactly how I feel, as often as I feel it.
This one's harder: Given that God loves me like this, and He teaches humans how to love each other, there is a chance that other people could accept me unconditionally as well. Whatever I feel, as often as I feel it. Could it be? Today I betrayed my deepest heart by pretending I didn't feel. Silencing my emotions with the word "shouldn't."
This post may only make sense to me, but I'll persevere...
I hesitate to share my insecurities because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't want to be the needy one. The clingy one. The unstable one. Some days I do feel large and in charge. Occasionally, on nights like this, when the house is still and my room is dark and I'm alone in bed, my confidence dissipates and I wonder if the boldness I felt about life was ever real to begin with. Was it just a front? When I'm emotionally bleeding, certainty seems far away. If I can't accept my messy fears, how could anyone? How do I stay vulnerable and exposed and honest in these broken moments?
But this in-the-moment honesty is what I desire more than any other type of relationship. I need to adhere to this, to practice it even when my feelings aren't beautiful and my thoughts aren't holy. I need to be brave enough to acknowledge my fear that I'll be discovered for who I am and possibly rejected, and somehow still find courage to bare my heart anyway.
I guess this is the way God chose too. Seems less than majestic, I must admit. But I am committed to being a disciple of Christ. And this means exposure to ridicule. Raw vulnerability. And the chance to experience love and grace beyond what I could ever imagine. Trembling and afraid, yet still... I'm all in.
Monday, July 14
hrmph.
Today I am impatient with myself.
There is a vision in my heart of the life I want to live, the type of human I would like to be, the ways in which I desire to glorify God. Some days the discrepancy between this shining lifestyle and the one I currently live glare more brightly than others. This is one of those days.
I know it's okay. I know I'm in progress. But lest you (or I) start to think I have fallen into complacency, let me state for the record the desires that beg for change most strongly this afternoon:
switching to natural cleaning products
making time to do something fun with God every day
learning French
drinking more water
investing in friends
budgeting better (okay, let's be honest...I just need to budget, period.)
getting a food handler's permit and becoming more sanitary at work
reading
reducing the amount of waste I produce
spending more time looking at the sky
not worrying so much about all the things I'm not doing =)
Life seems hard to keep up with sometimes. The days seem terribly short. And I yearn not merely to survive and find success in my own affairs, but to serve God and fulfill His purposes for me. To be caught up in His master plan for the world. To humbly submit my life to Him. I strive to fully live. So I add to the above list a wide variety of ways I'm praying for God to shape and transform my heart. I don't worry so much about those - I figure I can let God work them out =)
Charlie recently said to me, "The only person you disappoint is yourself." And this is true. I feel only grace flowing from God as I come to Him, frustrated with all the ways I wish I was different. He...and the people who love me...are far more patient and kind toward me than I am toward myself.
The strange thing is this: by the time I actually attain to the full measure of the life I dream of living, the game will be over and I'll get to go home.
For the sake of balance and encouragement, I would like to add a synopsis of the things I have done recently that deserve my own adequate recognition:
keeping my car clean
continuing to write
logging more hours at work
responding to family needs and making plans
pouring my life out for the youth at church
picking wildflowers from the side of my driveway
allowing myself to daydream about Ireland
switching to organic shampoo
Perhaps this is an important quote for me today:
"When you're waiting, you're not doing nothing. You're doing the most important something there is. You're allowing your soul to grow up. If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what God created you to be" (When the Heart Waits, Sue Monk Kidd).
This post ends with a shrug of the shoulders. I'm not sure what to conclude from all of this, and actually I am not sure I need any resolution. Today is a day...a good one. And I am grateful for my life.
There is a vision in my heart of the life I want to live, the type of human I would like to be, the ways in which I desire to glorify God. Some days the discrepancy between this shining lifestyle and the one I currently live glare more brightly than others. This is one of those days.
I know it's okay. I know I'm in progress. But lest you (or I) start to think I have fallen into complacency, let me state for the record the desires that beg for change most strongly this afternoon:
switching to natural cleaning products
making time to do something fun with God every day
learning French
drinking more water
investing in friends
budgeting better (okay, let's be honest...I just need to budget, period.)
getting a food handler's permit and becoming more sanitary at work
reading
reducing the amount of waste I produce
spending more time looking at the sky
not worrying so much about all the things I'm not doing =)
Life seems hard to keep up with sometimes. The days seem terribly short. And I yearn not merely to survive and find success in my own affairs, but to serve God and fulfill His purposes for me. To be caught up in His master plan for the world. To humbly submit my life to Him. I strive to fully live. So I add to the above list a wide variety of ways I'm praying for God to shape and transform my heart. I don't worry so much about those - I figure I can let God work them out =)
Charlie recently said to me, "The only person you disappoint is yourself." And this is true. I feel only grace flowing from God as I come to Him, frustrated with all the ways I wish I was different. He...and the people who love me...are far more patient and kind toward me than I am toward myself.
The strange thing is this: by the time I actually attain to the full measure of the life I dream of living, the game will be over and I'll get to go home.
For the sake of balance and encouragement, I would like to add a synopsis of the things I have done recently that deserve my own adequate recognition:
keeping my car clean
continuing to write
logging more hours at work
responding to family needs and making plans
pouring my life out for the youth at church
picking wildflowers from the side of my driveway
allowing myself to daydream about Ireland
switching to organic shampoo
Perhaps this is an important quote for me today:
"When you're waiting, you're not doing nothing. You're doing the most important something there is. You're allowing your soul to grow up. If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what God created you to be" (When the Heart Waits, Sue Monk Kidd).
This post ends with a shrug of the shoulders. I'm not sure what to conclude from all of this, and actually I am not sure I need any resolution. Today is a day...a good one. And I am grateful for my life.
Thursday, July 10
...and they're back
In gloriously vague terms, today was a victory for reconciliation, for God, for resurrection and happiness :)
I don't mean to be enigmatic, but I want to relish this day by myself for awhile. But tonight, as I savor the fruit of a period of waiting - what for me was a season of waiting on God or simply allowing myself to catch up with Him - as I whisper goodnight, I leave you with a dash of someone else's brilliant insight...
"I had tended to view waiting as mere passivity. When I looked it up in my dictionary however, I found that the words passive and passion come from the same Latin root, pati, which means 'to endure.' Waiting is thus both passive and passionate. It's a vibrant, comtemplative work. It means descending into self, into God, into the deeper labyrinths of prayer. It involves listening to disinherited voices within, facing the wounded holes in the soul, the denied and undiscovered, the places one lives falsely. It means struggling with the vision of who we really are in God and molding the courage to live that vision."
-When The Heart Waits, Sue Monk Kidd
I don't mean to be enigmatic, but I want to relish this day by myself for awhile. But tonight, as I savor the fruit of a period of waiting - what for me was a season of waiting on God or simply allowing myself to catch up with Him - as I whisper goodnight, I leave you with a dash of someone else's brilliant insight...
"I had tended to view waiting as mere passivity. When I looked it up in my dictionary however, I found that the words passive and passion come from the same Latin root, pati, which means 'to endure.' Waiting is thus both passive and passionate. It's a vibrant, comtemplative work. It means descending into self, into God, into the deeper labyrinths of prayer. It involves listening to disinherited voices within, facing the wounded holes in the soul, the denied and undiscovered, the places one lives falsely. It means struggling with the vision of who we really are in God and molding the courage to live that vision."
-When The Heart Waits, Sue Monk Kidd
Tuesday, July 8
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life...
Shoot.
Dangit.
Everything? Really...everything? I'm pretty sure Paul does not understand how lame my job is sometimes, or else he would eat his words.
To be fair, now that I have left the coffee shop and have showered the sticky milk off my ankles and am sitting in front of a lovely lamp with the promise of sleep just 10 feet away, I don't feel as frustrated as before. I can say with integrity of conscience that it really isn't that bad, although at certain moments tonight it totally seemed to suck.
Thank God for perspective. For being able to step back and see that the big picture is much nicer than that one icky spot. I know I'm contradicting my last post. But let's just call it a paradox and decide that both are true.
Shoot.
Dangit.
Everything? Really...everything? I'm pretty sure Paul does not understand how lame my job is sometimes, or else he would eat his words.
To be fair, now that I have left the coffee shop and have showered the sticky milk off my ankles and am sitting in front of a lovely lamp with the promise of sleep just 10 feet away, I don't feel as frustrated as before. I can say with integrity of conscience that it really isn't that bad, although at certain moments tonight it totally seemed to suck.
Thank God for perspective. For being able to step back and see that the big picture is much nicer than that one icky spot. I know I'm contradicting my last post. But let's just call it a paradox and decide that both are true.
Saturday, July 5
stagnant joy water
Lately, thinking about life gives me major freak-outs at least twice a day. You know, mentally amassing the big picture. The whole hot dog all in one ginormous bite (did you know "ginormous" is not in the dictionary?). But I don't believe it is necessary to mentally digest life in this manner. Especially not if it causes freak-outs.
God seems to care very much about the details. The daily stuff. The incalculable thoughts and intangible moments. My every thought and action and reaction. The minute circumstances of my situation...all for Him, all for His glory. If He is content to work with me in the small things, why do I so stubbornly fixate on each opportunity and option I might ever possibly have in my life, gathering them close to me and then realizing that each one weighs as much as an overfull dump truck, the total mass of which is enough to crush even a man-giant like that guy Andre who always plays the big dude in movies. Are you getting my picture? The whole shabang all at once is too much to bear.
We can instead dwell on the little things. Practical steps we can take. I have a word picture for you. Imagine a glass jar filled with stones. When I can see my life as this container of small rocks (my fears and anguish and stress), joy is water that can effortlessly seep into tiny spaces between the stones and settle in the midst of them. Joy - lots of it. Not without the stones, but surrounding them. This is much nicer than when I imagine that my cute jar is filled with solid concrete - all of my problems as one disgusting mass.
These are the types of blogs we get when I'm deliriously sleepy. I will edit this one tomorrow. But I encourage you to dwell on the inspiring image of your nasty little pebbles soaking in a jar full of joy. Good night :)
God seems to care very much about the details. The daily stuff. The incalculable thoughts and intangible moments. My every thought and action and reaction. The minute circumstances of my situation...all for Him, all for His glory. If He is content to work with me in the small things, why do I so stubbornly fixate on each opportunity and option I might ever possibly have in my life, gathering them close to me and then realizing that each one weighs as much as an overfull dump truck, the total mass of which is enough to crush even a man-giant like that guy Andre who always plays the big dude in movies. Are you getting my picture? The whole shabang all at once is too much to bear.
We can instead dwell on the little things. Practical steps we can take. I have a word picture for you. Imagine a glass jar filled with stones. When I can see my life as this container of small rocks (my fears and anguish and stress), joy is water that can effortlessly seep into tiny spaces between the stones and settle in the midst of them. Joy - lots of it. Not without the stones, but surrounding them. This is much nicer than when I imagine that my cute jar is filled with solid concrete - all of my problems as one disgusting mass.
These are the types of blogs we get when I'm deliriously sleepy. I will edit this one tomorrow. But I encourage you to dwell on the inspiring image of your nasty little pebbles soaking in a jar full of joy. Good night :)
Friday, July 4
every day is a holiday!
Happy Fourth of July =)
Today's patriotic trivia question at work: What makes America the best country in the whole wide world?
Just kidding. Sometimes Mill Creek doesn't have a very good sense of humor.
But just in case you were wondering, the answer is barbecues. Without a doubt, hands down. When I was overseas this year all I wanted was to stand on the grass and eat meat. Mmm...
The actual trivia question: How many cookouts happen nationwide on the Fourth of July?
Answer: 150 million.
That is a lot of dead cows.
On a completely different note, last night over frozen cookies and large mugs of drip coffee I learned about trust. I had an amazing conversation about hope and forgiveness and joy. For two hours I wiped tears and a snotty nose as we spoke because these concepts have wriggled their way into my reality with surprising force and depth. I am asked to live them now in a new way. This is true, and it is good.
The truth shall set you free. Happy Independence Day.
Today's patriotic trivia question at work: What makes America the best country in the whole wide world?
Just kidding. Sometimes Mill Creek doesn't have a very good sense of humor.
But just in case you were wondering, the answer is barbecues. Without a doubt, hands down. When I was overseas this year all I wanted was to stand on the grass and eat meat. Mmm...
The actual trivia question: How many cookouts happen nationwide on the Fourth of July?
Answer: 150 million.
That is a lot of dead cows.
On a completely different note, last night over frozen cookies and large mugs of drip coffee I learned about trust. I had an amazing conversation about hope and forgiveness and joy. For two hours I wiped tears and a snotty nose as we spoke because these concepts have wriggled their way into my reality with surprising force and depth. I am asked to live them now in a new way. This is true, and it is good.
The truth shall set you free. Happy Independence Day.
Wednesday, July 2
midweek sabbath
This slow, sultry day has dulled my senses and muffled my thoughts. I indulged in a gluttonous amount of sleep this morning and the drag of stupor has clung to me all day. The afternoon is quiet and the world seems to be under water. My gaze moves lazily from my coffee cup at my right hand to tall weeds in the yard that must be pulled...eventually...to my red toenails, which I finally finished painting yesterday. Feels like time for another nap =)
I set some goals for the summer, one of which is to do something fun with God every day. Yesterday I rode my bike around the neighborhood. I felt so free, and I got to the top of a hill and looked up at our giant burning sun and mouthed along to some worship music on my ipod (I didn't want the neighbors to think I was crazy) and I adored life. Today I get iced coffee and a blanket and a Bible in my backyard. I told some junior high students last Sunday morning: God is the cure for summer boredom. The friend who is always available. I encouraged them to take advantage of their free time to invest in their relationship with Him, and I'm trying to take my own advice. It's been good so far.
Dear Bekah is flying away today. Bek, you will be missed by so many people. You are precious. Godspeed. Click here to access Bekah's blog.
I set some goals for the summer, one of which is to do something fun with God every day. Yesterday I rode my bike around the neighborhood. I felt so free, and I got to the top of a hill and looked up at our giant burning sun and mouthed along to some worship music on my ipod (I didn't want the neighbors to think I was crazy) and I adored life. Today I get iced coffee and a blanket and a Bible in my backyard. I told some junior high students last Sunday morning: God is the cure for summer boredom. The friend who is always available. I encouraged them to take advantage of their free time to invest in their relationship with Him, and I'm trying to take my own advice. It's been good so far.
Dear Bekah is flying away today. Bek, you will be missed by so many people. You are precious. Godspeed. Click here to access Bekah's blog.
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