fully human

The delightful comments stemming from my most recent post made me consider the issue of self-acceptance again tonight. Okay, to be honest, I've been thinking about this for the past few days.

Kind of obsessively.

(that's another personal trait I am trying to love)

I appreciate Bekah's confession. It is true that the things I listed on Wednesday are probably the quirks I have grown to like and have already embraced. The ones I truly abhor will not as easily find their their way onto this public blog. The ones I most wish to hide or vanquish I tried tonight, for the sake of transparency, to enumerate, but still cannot bring myself to post.

But this list - all the things I am really ashamed of and need to work on accepting - seems harsh. Those who read it would likely denounce it as exaggerated, unrealistic, or unbalanced. But self-perception can become hazy when it creeps outside the grace-filled and absolute boundaries of truths the Bible offers about who we really are. Our self-concept may have very little to do with reality. We must cling most desperately to what is eternally true.

What if God looks at my "worst" traits and labels them more graciously? "Searching and growing" instead of insecure..."deeply connected with people" instead of lonely... I have this idea that He is much kinder toward me than I am.

I agree with Charlie: the things I most admire and love about other people truly are the strange quirks and unique traits that make them human and accessible and individual and interesting and different than any other person in the world. Like not brushing one's hair for four years (you really are my hero).

I start to feel bad when I, for example, lock my keys in the car or call my dad five times a day to update him on my emotional well-being, because I think about how this must make life more difficult for those around me. I feel I should be able to keep my issues from bleeding into other peoples' lives. But when I consider similar habits I observe in my friends and family, I would not wish for them to change, not the slightest bit (unless it was hurting them in some way). Even the habits and characteristics that make them difficult to interact with or understand. Because I see that these things make them who they are. And I love who they are, just as they are.

I do not want them to become smaller or quieter in order to make my life more convenient or less confusing or even to save me frustration. I want them to be fully themselves, fully human, fully who God created them to be. Young children do not apologize for who they are or shrink back from making requests or stating their opinions. When do we learn to do this? When are we first told that it is not okay to be ourselves?

I have been ranting, but I know this is an important thing to wrestle with. Maybe instead of writing self-absorbed and tragic lists of the many things I wish God would change about me, my time would be better spent sharing enumerating all of the crazy habits and oddities of the people I love that make them absolutely beautiful in my eyes. Consider yourself warned... :)

In other news, I bought a plant today. The flower lady at Central Market informed me that it was her favorite... she said that each of them had a specific personality and I chose the one she liked best. It made me beam. Apparently I have good taste in plants.

I read today. I think I am ahead in the race to devour Les Miserables. Despite the beautiful weather I find myself indoors too often. It may take some time to adjust my habits. I am used to assuming I will get wet and frizzy outside.

Happy First Evening of Summer :)