beyond restoration

I now stay away from generalizations like "life is complicated" or "relationships are messy" because to be completely honest I'm not making assumptions about how things work anymore. A close friend says this means I'm more open to God, to life. This is good. But the vague haziness between the loss of my preconceived ideas and the discovery of a deeper truth is kind of a scary place to hang out. I grope into the darkness for the rock, the word, the truth…

when they call on me I will answer them...

in all things God works for the good of those who love Him...

And so I fight for my rest, and occasionally breathe easy.

Three thoughts gave me comfort during an especially difficult and emotional yesterday.

First, that in the end God's will will be done. Despite me. Through me. Encompassing me. I am not the final say.

Also, that in each second that passes, God reigns. This one. This one. This one. No matter what the next second brings, the defining truth of the moment is that God is King and Jesus is Savior. Hell could break lose - and sometimes seems to - and yet, in that instant, neither death nor failure nor meaninglessness prevail.

Finally... and ultimately... God's faithfulness surrounds Him. Like a massive bathrobe or a cosmic aura of good juju, anyone who comes near to God is immediately surrounded and penetrated by His faithfulness. His commitment to seeing us through to the beautiful, shining end. To pulling us out of our gutter water and cleansing us to the core. To not allowing us to languish in sorrow... even if he has to pry our melancholy and self-pitying little fingers out of the mud one by one. To orchestrating every detail and circumstance so that we will reflect His glory more, and find greater joy in eternity and in life.

All I have wanted for the past few months has been restoration. I beg God: I want to feel like me again! I want to be joyful. But the truth I discovered yesterday is that restoration isn't on God's agenda for me. He wants more than that. The resurrected Jesus was not simply a restoration back to his old self. His disciples couldn't even recognize him after he rose. God did something new.

And so my hope is this: that God's best for me is better than what I have been hoping for. That His vision for this year, and for the rest of my life, is far greater than what I had imagined and if I'm not careful I'll be looking out so narrowly for restoration that I'll miss my own resurrection. God is doing something new.

I am beginning to start my mornings by asking God for a gift that only He can give, that defines my attitude throughout the day... the ability to hope and to believe. When I call, He answers.