What I mean is....I just realized that on this particular night in history, this flash of a moment in time, I am who I want to be. I've spent years and years looking at other people and wishing I was more like them. My hypocrisy, or perceived hypocrisy, weighed so heavy...Lots of night and tears of guilt and frustrated anxiety because I knew who I wanted to be and I wasn't her. Tonight, sitting on my couch, listening to my pseudo-classical music, reading "The Good News About Injustice" and glancing for momentary happiness at my new room...yes. Right now, it's fulfilling, you know? And I'm glad to not want to be someone else. And I'm glad that I'm so content to be me.
And here's my disclaimer - the thing that doesn't fit into this rosy picture...I'm still really bad at the whole love thing. Which I think is really important and probably too heavy a subject to deal with given my present euphoric state. The relentless mantra begins to drive me to guilty knees ... knowledge puffs up, love builds up knowledge puffs up, love builds up ....
But my heart will not stand to be burdened tonight, not by anything. God will complete the good work he's started.
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so you know...i'm glad you're not like anyone else too.
you're a dream come true of a friend!
Perhaps the difference between “I am who I am” and “I am who I want to be” aren’t as great as we initially thought. At the risk of sounding super Christian…both who one is, and who one wants to be eventually lead back to Christ. We ultimately find our identity in Him. I think that’s partially of what I was both searching for and trying to convey in my project. Who I am, and who I am in Christ…and how closely those two things matched, if they matched at all. God should satisfy both who we are, and who we want to be. Um…so what I just said wasn’t the most practical thing to say…but I think it’s true.
To address the practicality issue, I imagine it’s simply a matter of “He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30). But again, that’s not wholly practical because to do that is an ideal as well.
Clearly, I’m lousy at thinking practically.
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