one day at a time...one day.

Tonight I don't know what I want. Or maybe I just don't want to want what I want. Am I making myself clear?

I like to impress people. I have recently come to realize the sin side of this. But for better or worse it has been, and continues to be, a driving force in my life.

It was easy to impress people when my truest passions were generally big and impressive...or perhaps just unusual enough to make people shake their heads in wonder. I want to live in Europe by myself! I want to go to Africa and help impoverished, afflicted people! I want to be a youth pastor and change a million lives! I hate routine and security and comfort! I want to save the world!

And now...

now.

My heart is changing. My community here is as rich and vibrant as I ever experienced or imagined life overseas to be. My excitement level about meeting strangers in exotic locations is now matched, if not exceeded, by an unexpected and surprisingly passionate desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Who would have thought? I mean, really.

It is quite a shift and I am resisting it with all my might. I wish I still wanted what I wanted...you know, back in the day. Then I could still impress you. And me.

I wonder if my current desires will someday make peace with the former ones. I have no idea what God will do and continually remind myself that knowledge of the future is reserved for Him alone.

Back to the point. I asked God tonight if I should go to graduate school. I asked myself what I want most. I feel like I am at a crossroads. One road I imagine leading to a smaller and more self-contained life including a few beautiful, barfing babies and millions of fulfilling hours spent in the comfort of my home. The other involves lots of alone time poring over books in coffee shops, peer group time, and potential hours of amazing conversation and maybe being used by God to affect a great deal more people than just my immediate family and friends. Maybe a life overseas?

As if it's so clear. As if I can map this out so simply. I know life involves twists and turns I will never be able to predict. And God has more than enough wisdom to offer me at each step.

And as I conclude tonight, I repeat again and again to convince myself (and I believe it's working)...it is okay. It is okay. I have joy and challenge enough for today. And Jesus is my tomorrow.