and i shall study me.

The people who surround me seem to survive. They get along well enough day to day. And as I struggle to decide whether to subject myself to the emotional boot camp of Mars Hill Graduate School, the process I will enter of grieving my personal story, forgiving and being healed, and learning how to do the same for others, I ask myself out of sheer laziness and self-concern, “Do I really have to?”

Honestly, is the time and expense worth it? Most of the people who order coffee from me have not given a second thought to exploring their personal history and issues and their deepest desires. Or if they have they find it too painful or challenging or scary or time-consuming or disruptive and choose to shut their hearts off. They survive, and more…they raise children and maintain a relationship with their spouse and go to work and enjoy racquetball on the weekends.

But this lack of examination kills. It stunts relationships and personal growth. It limits the ability of others to dream and hope and strive for more life.

The symptoms are many…A stubborn unwillingness to own one’s own sin. Immaturity. A tendency to blame others unreasonably. Self-absorption. Fear-driven decision making. An endless habit of repeating the same destructive behaviors. An avoidance of relationship and intimacy.

What I fear will happen if I don’t spend significant time examining my life, searching for God and my truest self, is that I will raise emotionally and spiritually unhealthy children, breeding into them the sins and tragedies of my own personal story. And that the people around me will be uninspired, unable to see God, and bored by the lack of vision in my life. I do not want to be the cause of their discouragement.

"...when we have lost ourselves we must remember to return to our past redemptions to find God's marks of glory on our abandonment, betrayal, and shame. We wrongly believe that we will be happy if we can escape the past. But without our past we are hollow and plastic beings who only have common names and conventional stories" (To Be Told).

I guess my assumption is that examining my life will eventually lead to healing. There is hope in that. I believe it will naturally produce changed attitudes and behavior, maturity and wisdom. These characteristics have an infinite capacity to bless the people around us.

When I meet people who have a joyful and sober view of life that is based on reality, and a true desperation and love for God that flows from a deep understanding of their divinity and depravity as humans, I am exalted. I feel stronger as I speak with them. I am encouraged to new ways of thinking. My eyes are opened to truth.

I want to be this person. For you, for my family and people I love who aren’t technically family. For children and grandchildren and kids on the street.

I do not believe it is my fate to discover the cure for cancer. Someone would have to walk up to me on the street and hand it to me for my name to ever carry that legacy. I do not think I will earn millions of dollars and gain glory for God because of my philanthropy. I do not ever anticipate memorizing the Bible in Hebrew and Greek and unlocking Biblical secrets.

Instead, I carry my destiny inside me, right around that intangible spot where my heart dwells. I am a woman who cares deeply about the people who surround me. I am blessed with compassion and a desire to see God glorified. I love teenagers. I hope one day to have a family. I want to love them so well. I am desperate to bless strangers and provide hospitality. In this path I am walking on, wisdom, maturity and a sincere love for God will be the necessary tools of my trade.

Today, MHGS seems like a good investment. My rebuttal will probably follow tomorrow.