Lately I've been hit with holy conviction and it's tough, man. Every day the Lord, in His goodness, opens my eyes to more of my coyote ugly sin. It's not a pretty sight. I had no idea I was so wicked.
...what's that? You knew all along?
Thanks.
Ah, this sin. It penetrates deep and spreads wide and like an obese gorilla it sits on my chest and weighs me down so unbearably that I realize, again, that the Gospel is for me. ME. I need Jesus.
My friend Kristi sent me the lyrics to an old hymn last year when I was feeling quite down. I rediscovered her letter and wanted to post these words, mostly as a reminder to myself that the Savior is at hand and that he blesses my troubles. This is good news.
How Firm a Foundation
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
is laid for your faith in his excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled.
Fear not, I am with you, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen and help thee and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
When through firey trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace all sufficient shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose
I will not, I will not desert to its foes.
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake.
Monday, January 26
Wednesday, January 14
the speaking voice (tozer)
The Bible is the written Word of God, and because it is written it is confined and limited by the necessities of ink and paper and leather. The voice of God, however, is alive and free as the sovereign God is free. "The words I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life" (John 6:63). The life is in the speaking words. God's word in the Bible can have power only because it corresponds to God's word in the universe. It is the present Voice which makes the written word all-powerful. Otherwise it would lie locked in slumber within the covers of a book...
This universal Voice of God was by the ancient Hebrews often called Wisdom, and was said to be everywhere sounding and searching throughout the earth, seeking some response from the sons of men...It is spiritual response for which this Wisdom of God is pleading, a response which she has always sought and is but rarely able to secure...
This universal Voice has ever sounded, and it has often troubled men even when they did not understand the source of their fears. Could it be that this Voice distilling like a living mist upon the hearts of men has been the undiscovered cause of the troubled conscience and the longing for immortality confessed by millions since the dawn of recorded history?...
(from The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer)
This universal Voice of God was by the ancient Hebrews often called Wisdom, and was said to be everywhere sounding and searching throughout the earth, seeking some response from the sons of men...It is spiritual response for which this Wisdom of God is pleading, a response which she has always sought and is but rarely able to secure...
This universal Voice has ever sounded, and it has often troubled men even when they did not understand the source of their fears. Could it be that this Voice distilling like a living mist upon the hearts of men has been the undiscovered cause of the troubled conscience and the longing for immortality confessed by millions since the dawn of recorded history?...
(from The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer)
Tuesday, January 13
library return day - ew.
This morning I resolved to return my overdue library materials. My patron status is delinquent. It is now time to take action.
First stop, the library website. Various cries of dismay, "I returned that already! Oh, wait..." and "That wasn't even a good book!" accompanied my first glance. Sixteen overdue items? Really? That can't be right...
Well, there is no time to wallow in literary self-pity. Time to get moving.
A few were easy. Two uninformative books about how to get cash for grad school were already stacked in a corner. This is a good start. "How to Teach Piano Successfully" was molding in my trunk. No worse for the wear. I added it to the pile. The "Freedom Writers" DVD had been in my living room so long I had to search for it amidst our own DVD collection. Success! Victory! And such a relief because I actually did think that one was lost. A funny coincidence that this was my "delinquent" item. So far, so good.
The next ones took a bit more work. About two months ago I checked out 10 CDs from the Lynnwood Library. They were a joy to behold but the tricky buggers had since hidden themselves in all sorts of places. The search began. I found Rufus Wainwright stowed away in the case for Madeleine Peyroux. I don't blame him - she is much more talented than he is. But where is Madeleine? I'll come back to her.
After multiple trips to every CD player in our house I discovered the lovely Portuguese Cesaria Nevora. A sigh. She is just so good. Maybe I won't return her just yet...? NO! Today is the day! Cesaria's case is still M.I.A.
The Shel Silverstein spoken word cd SUCKED and on principle I refuse to pay for it. I mean, really. "My Girl" is hiding out at a friend's house. I hope.
A few more bookshelf hunts and frantic car searches has unearthed a total of 8 books, 1 DVD, 3 complete CDs (with cases), one case and one orphan CD. Oh crap. I'm out of ideas.
Friends, let my folly be an example to you. Please learn from my mistake and never check out any library items you will resent having to pay for. Or I guess you could just return them before they're overdue. As Madeleine Peyroux croons on the album I still can't find, "If you think that time will change your ways, don't wait too long."
First stop, the library website. Various cries of dismay, "I returned that already! Oh, wait..." and "That wasn't even a good book!" accompanied my first glance. Sixteen overdue items? Really? That can't be right...
Well, there is no time to wallow in literary self-pity. Time to get moving.
A few were easy. Two uninformative books about how to get cash for grad school were already stacked in a corner. This is a good start. "How to Teach Piano Successfully" was molding in my trunk. No worse for the wear. I added it to the pile. The "Freedom Writers" DVD had been in my living room so long I had to search for it amidst our own DVD collection. Success! Victory! And such a relief because I actually did think that one was lost. A funny coincidence that this was my "delinquent" item. So far, so good.
The next ones took a bit more work. About two months ago I checked out 10 CDs from the Lynnwood Library. They were a joy to behold but the tricky buggers had since hidden themselves in all sorts of places. The search began. I found Rufus Wainwright stowed away in the case for Madeleine Peyroux. I don't blame him - she is much more talented than he is. But where is Madeleine? I'll come back to her.
After multiple trips to every CD player in our house I discovered the lovely Portuguese Cesaria Nevora. A sigh. She is just so good. Maybe I won't return her just yet...? NO! Today is the day! Cesaria's case is still M.I.A.
The Shel Silverstein spoken word cd SUCKED and on principle I refuse to pay for it. I mean, really. "My Girl" is hiding out at a friend's house. I hope.
A few more bookshelf hunts and frantic car searches has unearthed a total of 8 books, 1 DVD, 3 complete CDs (with cases), one case and one orphan CD. Oh crap. I'm out of ideas.
Friends, let my folly be an example to you. Please learn from my mistake and never check out any library items you will resent having to pay for. Or I guess you could just return them before they're overdue. As Madeleine Peyroux croons on the album I still can't find, "If you think that time will change your ways, don't wait too long."
Friday, January 9
celebrate celebrate
I have been encouraged to celebrate personal victories. "Hey guys, party at my house...I am no longer afraid of being sad!"
Well. You don't need to come over but I think I might buy myself Chinese food for lunch.
Here's something I realized last night: I'll never let people show me true love if I'm always hiding my true self.
Today is a day for smiling :)
Well. You don't need to come over but I think I might buy myself Chinese food for lunch.
Here's something I realized last night: I'll never let people show me true love if I'm always hiding my true self.
Today is a day for smiling :)
Tuesday, January 6
and i shall study me.
The people who surround me seem to survive. They get along well enough day to day. And as I struggle to decide whether to subject myself to the emotional boot camp of Mars Hill Graduate School, the process I will enter of grieving my personal story, forgiving and being healed, and learning how to do the same for others, I ask myself out of sheer laziness and self-concern, “Do I really have to?”
Honestly, is the time and expense worth it? Most of the people who order coffee from me have not given a second thought to exploring their personal history and issues and their deepest desires. Or if they have they find it too painful or challenging or scary or time-consuming or disruptive and choose to shut their hearts off. They survive, and more…they raise children and maintain a relationship with their spouse and go to work and enjoy racquetball on the weekends.
But this lack of examination kills. It stunts relationships and personal growth. It limits the ability of others to dream and hope and strive for more life.
The symptoms are many…A stubborn unwillingness to own one’s own sin. Immaturity. A tendency to blame others unreasonably. Self-absorption. Fear-driven decision making. An endless habit of repeating the same destructive behaviors. An avoidance of relationship and intimacy.
What I fear will happen if I don’t spend significant time examining my life, searching for God and my truest self, is that I will raise emotionally and spiritually unhealthy children, breeding into them the sins and tragedies of my own personal story. And that the people around me will be uninspired, unable to see God, and bored by the lack of vision in my life. I do not want to be the cause of their discouragement.
"...when we have lost ourselves we must remember to return to our past redemptions to find God's marks of glory on our abandonment, betrayal, and shame. We wrongly believe that we will be happy if we can escape the past. But without our past we are hollow and plastic beings who only have common names and conventional stories" (To Be Told).
I guess my assumption is that examining my life will eventually lead to healing. There is hope in that. I believe it will naturally produce changed attitudes and behavior, maturity and wisdom. These characteristics have an infinite capacity to bless the people around us.
When I meet people who have a joyful and sober view of life that is based on reality, and a true desperation and love for God that flows from a deep understanding of their divinity and depravity as humans, I am exalted. I feel stronger as I speak with them. I am encouraged to new ways of thinking. My eyes are opened to truth.
I want to be this person. For you, for my family and people I love who aren’t technically family. For children and grandchildren and kids on the street.
I do not believe it is my fate to discover the cure for cancer. Someone would have to walk up to me on the street and hand it to me for my name to ever carry that legacy. I do not think I will earn millions of dollars and gain glory for God because of my philanthropy. I do not ever anticipate memorizing the Bible in Hebrew and Greek and unlocking Biblical secrets.
Instead, I carry my destiny inside me, right around that intangible spot where my heart dwells. I am a woman who cares deeply about the people who surround me. I am blessed with compassion and a desire to see God glorified. I love teenagers. I hope one day to have a family. I want to love them so well. I am desperate to bless strangers and provide hospitality. In this path I am walking on, wisdom, maturity and a sincere love for God will be the necessary tools of my trade.
Today, MHGS seems like a good investment. My rebuttal will probably follow tomorrow.
Honestly, is the time and expense worth it? Most of the people who order coffee from me have not given a second thought to exploring their personal history and issues and their deepest desires. Or if they have they find it too painful or challenging or scary or time-consuming or disruptive and choose to shut their hearts off. They survive, and more…they raise children and maintain a relationship with their spouse and go to work and enjoy racquetball on the weekends.
But this lack of examination kills. It stunts relationships and personal growth. It limits the ability of others to dream and hope and strive for more life.
The symptoms are many…A stubborn unwillingness to own one’s own sin. Immaturity. A tendency to blame others unreasonably. Self-absorption. Fear-driven decision making. An endless habit of repeating the same destructive behaviors. An avoidance of relationship and intimacy.
What I fear will happen if I don’t spend significant time examining my life, searching for God and my truest self, is that I will raise emotionally and spiritually unhealthy children, breeding into them the sins and tragedies of my own personal story. And that the people around me will be uninspired, unable to see God, and bored by the lack of vision in my life. I do not want to be the cause of their discouragement.
"...when we have lost ourselves we must remember to return to our past redemptions to find God's marks of glory on our abandonment, betrayal, and shame. We wrongly believe that we will be happy if we can escape the past. But without our past we are hollow and plastic beings who only have common names and conventional stories" (To Be Told).
I guess my assumption is that examining my life will eventually lead to healing. There is hope in that. I believe it will naturally produce changed attitudes and behavior, maturity and wisdom. These characteristics have an infinite capacity to bless the people around us.
When I meet people who have a joyful and sober view of life that is based on reality, and a true desperation and love for God that flows from a deep understanding of their divinity and depravity as humans, I am exalted. I feel stronger as I speak with them. I am encouraged to new ways of thinking. My eyes are opened to truth.
I want to be this person. For you, for my family and people I love who aren’t technically family. For children and grandchildren and kids on the street.
I do not believe it is my fate to discover the cure for cancer. Someone would have to walk up to me on the street and hand it to me for my name to ever carry that legacy. I do not think I will earn millions of dollars and gain glory for God because of my philanthropy. I do not ever anticipate memorizing the Bible in Hebrew and Greek and unlocking Biblical secrets.
Instead, I carry my destiny inside me, right around that intangible spot where my heart dwells. I am a woman who cares deeply about the people who surround me. I am blessed with compassion and a desire to see God glorified. I love teenagers. I hope one day to have a family. I want to love them so well. I am desperate to bless strangers and provide hospitality. In this path I am walking on, wisdom, maturity and a sincere love for God will be the necessary tools of my trade.
Today, MHGS seems like a good investment. My rebuttal will probably follow tomorrow.
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