befriending the voter's pamphlet (part I)

I am, in fact, my own worst nightmare. Maybe you can relate to the following story:

As I walked into the Mill Creek library on my way home and saw a table on the left side of the small lobby. “Elections! Register now!” Blue and red signs covered the walls. Hmm, there must be an election coming up.

I vaguely remember glancing at the envelope containing my absentee ballot just before it was buried under a pile of coupons on our kitchen counter. Oops. I asked the graying lady who manned the booth if today was my last chance to vote. “Any day through Tuesday, except Sunday.” Apparently God still trumps politics.

Phew. I have four days to prepare to to enact my civic privilege. I grab a voters' pamphlet on the way out. A waste of paper given that I could read everything online, but it still feels like a step in the right direction and serves to solidify my intentions. I will vote. Watch me.

Upon arriving home, I change into a bathing suit so I can work on my tan, grab a blanket and the pamphlet and make myself comfortable on the lawn. Multi-tasking. I create a delightful blend of sheer vanity and the guise of political prowess. Hot.

“Okay, so what do we have here?” I am enthused as I tear into the ballot. Not only am I fulfilling my role as a citizen of this democracy, I am well on my way to ensuring I won’t feel the guilt that invariably springs forth at 7:30 p.m. on election day when I realize I once again forgot to vote.

A small yellow notice in the envelope informs me that I am not required to declare a party for this election because Washington state changed the rules of its primaries. This just gets better and better! What a relief to not have to label myself according to party preference. I am a renegade! I can’t be boxed in - I do what I want. I feel empowered by my state's recognition that I need to feel unique and independent. Awesome.

First on my ballot: Jay Inslee vs. Larry Ishmael. “Who is Larry Ishmael?” Probably a sucker. Let’s find out. I flip to page 10 of my handy dandy pamphlet as I mentally attempt to lay down some ground rules.

“Okay, Lacey. Remember it’s not about how they look.” Even as I think this, I know I will inevitably draw all sorts of conclusions from the candidates’ grainy black and white thumbnail photos. Shoot. But I’ll do my best.

Second rule: “Spelling errors count.” Okay, let’s be honest. It is okay if you can’t spell. It is a gift. But not seeking out someone worthy to edit your paragraph is just lazy. Lazy people shouldn’t get elected.

With these trustworthy guidelines to aid me, I begin to wade through the blurbs. Jay fancies himself a contemporary JFK and Larry has chubby cheeks. I mean…okay, I’ll actually read his statement. I skim it for interesting phrases.

Ah, what is this? “Not until we start relying on viable sustainable fuel sources, like nuclear energy, will we gain independence from foreign oil.” Wait…nuclear energy? I’m not a scientist, but I kind of thought that nuclear energy has a bad reputation for destroying the earth and, well, being nuclear. I texted Charlie: “Isn’t nuclear energy bad?” He replied that it creates nuclear waste, which is no good. A no for Larry Ishmael! On to the next section!

Governors. I’ve seen smear campaign commercials from both Dino Rossi and Christine Gregoire and haven’t heard of any of the other eight candidates listed. Here are some highlights gleaned from the time I spend reading about them:

Dino Rossi grew up in Mountlake Terrace. That’s almost like rising out of Harlem. Someone could make a movie about him. I’m pretty impressed.

Will Baker, I’m pretty sure, is simply running in order to expose some nasty business about Christine Gregoire. Reminds me of the Northern Irish political system, in which everyone and their mother runs for office simply in order to raise awareness about his or her particular cause without any desire of actually being voted in. Well, thank you anyway, Will Baker, for your concern for the truth. I mean, I guess it’s the truth…

Christine Gregoire. Last night someone I respect said that he didn’t trust her, so I am biased already. Not too impressed by her statement. Kind of uninteresting.

Duff Badgley. Let’s be honest – his name is awesome. But by the time I get to the point on his list of goals, all having to do with climate change, in which he proposed to “Demand full withdrawal from Iraq. Divert funds to climate programs” I begin to wonder if his scope isn’t a bit narrow for my taste in governors.

John W. Aiken, Jr., belongs to the National Rifle Association. I believe in the freedoms afforded by the Constitution, one being the right to bear arms. But I won’t lie – the thought of electing a man who enjoys guns enough to belong to a full-blown association makes me wary. I will pass on this guy.

Christian Pierre Joubert. A Frenchman! Let’s see what he proposes for our great state. Freedom from diseases, pollution, waste, wars…blah, blah…just like every other candidate. But wait, it gets interesting: "freedom from ignorance, alienation and recession." Freedom from alienation? Wow, sign me up! I read on.

“Freedom from hunger, deserts, and world misery.” World misery, people!

“Thanks to ethical trade, the doubling of exports, tree planting, vineyards, organic agriculture [Carla, pay attention!], health restaurants and the distribution of ‘superfoods’ (including but not limited to amazing dopamine-producing raw vegan chocolate mousses), we would find solutions to world hunger and deserts would flower.”

DID YOU HEAR THAT?! Dopamine-producing raw vegan chocolate mousses! I honestly don’t know what conclusions to draw about this guy. He sounds amazing and weird. I think I like him.

Aw, my job beckons. To be continued…