and now i breathe

Only perfect love could create such calm. Sitting on a wooden bench in the quiet of twilight, the still crispness of the air, watching the lights of villages and homes scattered across green hills grow brighter as the sunset humbly retreats. An absolute, undeserved gift of refreshment. A moment when I feel nothing demanded or required of me, from the inside or out. The peace I sought after and strove for but couldn't manufacture by myself. A space in time when I can breathe. I am embraced and gently carried to a quiet place and laid down for rest. "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." The sensation of deep, calm breaths filling my lungs with clean air after so long breathing short, frenetic, strained gasps. This is a gift.

The single, final bell announcing evening prayer follows timeless seconds of silence, then another pause before the brother's voice confidently strikes the initial note of worship, ushering us into collective centeredness on God.

The stubborn will in me has left only a space that is now occupied by peace. I have no desire to fight such goodness. I sense every fiber of my physical and spiritual being and find no thread of resistance to Him. Not a single stronghold.

There were so many heavy and dark emotions flooding my heart today - loss, anger, confusion, fear, guilt. They do their damage to my soul but at the end of the day it is God who kisses me on the forehead and lays me down in a place of absolute safety and stays near to guard as I relax into a peaceful rest. It is His presence, the knowledge of His nearness, that is the healing balm for my soul. The fact that He has not abandoned me but instead rushes to comfort me - this is my restoration.

The restoration is a physical and spiritual reality, not just a fleeting feeling. Suddenly I understand what Jesus meant: "My peace I give you, my peace I leave you. And I do not give as the world gives..."

Thoughts about the future are not allowed to enter my circle of protection because fear is not permitted to exist. The enemy that has crushed me all day long cannot penetrate. The unmoving, watchful eye of God keeps me safe. Fear cannot harm me here; nothing can threaten or hurt me.