even there

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

charlotte bronte rocks the party...

Jane Eyre is probably the best book in the whole entire world (God-breathed works excepted).

be excited! this is a tangible post full of concrete information =)

Hello friends!

You will be happy to know that I am taking a short break from my obscure thoughts on the inner life in order to bring you some solid news: I am coming home! I am writing from Paris, at the house of the gracious and generous Vermes family, and will be sleeping my way across the Atlantic on Tuesday. I have been counting down the days and hours until I get to see the shiny streets of Lynnwood again... they are paved with gold, right?

My return has come sooner than originally planned, but everything has been brought to completion for me at Taize and I know it's the right time to head home.

1. I realized I do not want to be a nun. I would rather have Top Ramen and a movie.
2. There is so much love in me that can't be expressed through the thin wires that connect a phone to its box or a computer to the wall.
3. There is a limit to the number of God-lessons I can learn in theory without actually putting them into practice.
4. There is also a limit to how many struggles I can overcome without moaning to all of you face-to-face.
5. I miss you.

Obviously this is a condensed version, but I hope you're tracking.

So, with a circle of friends waving goodbye at Taize, I left the monastery on a bus full of nuns and arrived in Paris to a warm welcome from the Vermes and a banana split. Nuns and sugar-coated bananas in the same evening? How does one girl get so lucky...? :)

Please pray for safe, hassle-free travel and a speedy journey to Sea-Tac. Thank you for so many prayers and notes and emails and phone calls... my cup overflows.

Catch you on the flip side!

(To those who have been writing to El Abiodh, now is the time to return to my normal email acccount. Thank you!)

silence

"A young man asks me how to face the dryness, sometimes the emptiness, of his prayer. When, in their heart of hearts, someone knows they are loved forever and ever, they are not afraid to wait in silence, even if some silences were to last until death" (Brother Roger, Taize).

Taize really emphasizes silence - actual silence, and inner peace of heart - as a way for God to communicate with us and be present in us. I know that sounds kind of New Age, but it is definitely Biblical. There are 10 minutes of silence built into each prayer service. Lately I have spent this time reading the Bible or daydreaming about home or sometimes making to-do lists. But tonight I decided just to listen and see if God spoke.

I didn't hear his voice, but He did give me eyes to see something internal. I'll give you some words from my journal:

In the inner silence of my soul, sun reflects off the sound of crashing waves and scenes of the Sacre Coeur from "Amelie" play in sweet, endless cycles. It is a deep inner life of beauty and color and simple, profound moments. It is continually flowing forth and expressing, which may be why I incessantly talk, and write, and sing. Inside it is silent but eternally communicating - His Spirit existing through my heart takes on unique shades and a combination of tones. Love expressing itself in color and music; a fullness of joy.

This inner life will thrive and breathe and grow in a favela or a private boarding school, in the gutter and on the balcony of an Italian villa, laughing with the stable and the deranged, loving from a position of servitude and of leadership, talking and listening with the heart, in arid climates and freezing cold, in the heat of the day and covertly at night, through music and silence, sitting on straw mats and eating off of fine china.

Though my eyes grow blind, this life will see how to heal. When I am tired, this Spirit will remain willing. This is the space in me where God lives - the source at the center of my heart from which He pours out His love to those He draws into my life.

and now i breathe

Only perfect love could create such calm. Sitting on a wooden bench in the quiet of twilight, the still crispness of the air, watching the lights of villages and homes scattered across green hills grow brighter as the sunset humbly retreats. An absolute, undeserved gift of refreshment. A moment when I feel nothing demanded or required of me, from the inside or out. The peace I sought after and strove for but couldn't manufacture by myself. A space in time when I can breathe. I am embraced and gently carried to a quiet place and laid down for rest. "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." The sensation of deep, calm breaths filling my lungs with clean air after so long breathing short, frenetic, strained gasps. This is a gift.

The single, final bell announcing evening prayer follows timeless seconds of silence, then another pause before the brother's voice confidently strikes the initial note of worship, ushering us into collective centeredness on God.

The stubborn will in me has left only a space that is now occupied by peace. I have no desire to fight such goodness. I sense every fiber of my physical and spiritual being and find no thread of resistance to Him. Not a single stronghold.

There were so many heavy and dark emotions flooding my heart today - loss, anger, confusion, fear, guilt. They do their damage to my soul but at the end of the day it is God who kisses me on the forehead and lays me down in a place of absolute safety and stays near to guard as I relax into a peaceful rest. It is His presence, the knowledge of His nearness, that is the healing balm for my soul. The fact that He has not abandoned me but instead rushes to comfort me - this is my restoration.

The restoration is a physical and spiritual reality, not just a fleeting feeling. Suddenly I understand what Jesus meant: "My peace I give you, my peace I leave you. And I do not give as the world gives..."

Thoughts about the future are not allowed to enter my circle of protection because fear is not permitted to exist. The enemy that has crushed me all day long cannot penetrate. The unmoving, watchful eye of God keeps me safe. Fear cannot harm me here; nothing can threaten or hurt me.