something to share with the class

I need to make a declaration out loud. Electronically out loud, at least.

To be quite blunt...God forbid that I should be held accountable to a lifestyle the Holy Spirit hasn't specifically spoken to me about in my deepest heart! What is the Bible except a book of back-breaking rules without the personal tutoring I receive from the Spirit? There is no life without the Life spoken directly to me. The center of my faith is an intimate, embarrassingly personal relationship with God. The further I get from this oasis, the more stale my days become. My faith begins to read like the Book of Mormon. Some good thoughts, lots of burdens, no eternity.

What I mean to say is this...I love the Bible. I want to love it more. But the Word spoken to me isn't just written on wispy, gold-edged pages. The Word is also the heart from on High and the thoughts that are spoken in quiet moments, the ones directly from the Spirit of God. And I am held just as accountable to this as I am to the mandates in Romans, or 1 Peter, or any of the other amazing books...

My life isn't large and unbelievable right now. Quite the opposite. My calling appears small, and quiet, and painfully average. My schedule is routine. My adventures include field trips from work to visit sick colleagues, daily walks to Roger's Market, and checking children's books out from the library. Cute. But definitely not thrilling, and certainly falls far short of the passionate, devastatingly extreme life we encourage in youth group and sometimes Big Church. I project judgment and condemnation from those around me. I live with a relentless shadow of shame. I'm not doing enough.

But when it becomes too much for my heart to handle, and I turn to God in desperation, a million apologies on my lips, downcast eyes. And then Jesus says to my heart that God hasn't commanded an adventurous or dangerous lifestyle from me right now. At least, not extreme like Jason Bourne or Jesus Freaks. And I would be terribly amiss if I pursued a life that God has not set out for me. I would be living in disobedience. I am to live each day that He gives me, putting aside my selfish ambition and shouldering what to me feels like the heaviest cross of all - office work in quiet suburbia. I am living the life of one of the people I swore I would never become. I had declared to myself, and to God, that I will never fall into the evil pit of an average American lifestyle! Let it never be! (Peter's denial resounds.)

But...this is exactly my calling. I am living in my own version of hell (okay, I'm being dramatic) because God called me there, and is helping me learn that His love for me has nothing to do with how I perform, or what people think. It's a priceless lesson. And I should be thanking Him. Instead, I'm struggling not to feel ashamed.

My bottom line: I can't people please and God please at the same time. I need to be true to the heart and life He's given me right now, even if I look suspiciously like an apathetic slacker. Anything other than loyalty to my calling would be a cosmic betrayal.