let me out of the boat.

I'm sick, sick, sick of the lifeboat. I WANT OUT. I'm done with performing, for ego - fighting to defend my ego like I'll die if I don't. Life and death out of things that are TRIVIAL. Sick of needing to protect my identity, to be affirmed. SICK OF CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK, as if they're the last word on my self-worth. It's disgusting. Even strangers have the ability to cause my defenses to rise. I'm like that little dinosaur on Jurassic Park who the fat guy thought was really cute until he got close and it felt threatened and it FLARED ITS NECK SKIN and hissed at him. Okay, this isn't making any sense, especially if you haven't read "Searching for God Knows What."

I get pissed when the dog doesn't obey me - as if he was threatening my sense of authority and my ability to control my life. I get mad when my brother ignores me when I'm trying to talk to him - frustrated to point of tears. Rage tears. Why?! Because my validation and sense of importance hangs on his reaction to me. My issues, I know. But it's a joke. I'm pissed at living in this system.

I just had to let the world know. I want to be done.

i would take a bullet for you

It doesn't matter if they call me wrong
Doesn't matter if they steal my song
Doesn't matter if we're all along
It doesn't matter at all

'Cause I would take a bullet for you
I would take a bullet for you
I would cross any line, I'd swim across the sea
I would take a bullet for you
I would take a bullet for you
I would lose it all, I'd take my fall
To show you it's for real

-Mat Kearney, "Bullet"

So, I had a thought tonight when I was listening to this AMAZING song. "Yes! Yes, I will take a bullet for you! This is Jesus love, extreme love. I would take a bullet for anyone - isn't that what Jesus did? It wouldn't matter who you are...even if you're my enemy."

But...I won't load your dinner dishes for you. I won't call you back, or respond to your emails. I won't turn the tv down when you ask. I won't pray for you. I won't help you with school. I won't buy you a Coke. I won't let you merge in front of me, or give you space to change lanes. I won't listen to you when you have a bad day. I won't smile at you when I've having a bad day.

It doesn't make sense, and because I realized that, things make complete sense. Yeah, if I'm going to get prepared to take a bullet for someone or pour my life out for people, I need to start with these things. For sure.

Thailand Blog!

http://laceythailand.blogspot.com

Journal entries, pictures, lyrics... =) Enjoy!

Initial thoughts on Thailand

adventures in sense:

a monk in a 7-11.
at moments, the worst city smells you can imagine. all at the same time.
trees that look like Africa.
the girls' giggles as we try to speak their language.
heat and fans.
smiles from strangers.
deafening sounds of Hungry Hungry Hippo - they've played for hours.

I don't know how to sum up our trip so far. It's been so unlike what I was expecting - the people here don't notice us, which is a huge relief. I don't know if Chiangrai gets a lot of tourists, but they've generally ignored this conspicuous group of white people. It gives me the illusion that we're blending in...

So good to finally see Eden House after all I've heard. It's bigger, it's beautiful, and it's a home. These girls are sisters and the McCauleys are parents - with more and different issues to face, I think - but parents. And they're good ones.

The Thai culture seems such that the McCauleys' long-term, family-oriented, discipleship ministry is one of the most effective ways to bring about change. As these girls learn and grow spiritually, there is huge potential that they can then influence their respective villages and cities, their families and friends from before they were Christians. But they need lots of prayer - aspects of society pose huge challenges for girls and young women trying to follow Jesus.

Luke 13:6-9

I love and miss you guys like CRAZY!!!! Be good! Take care of my mom! Love, Lacey

*my* turn to post on love!

oh, wait..........

;)