homecoming

Charlie returns home tonight...

and I wanted to be the first to say

WELCOME BACK, FOO :)

a season of waiting

Thank God for the universality of the human condition :) Two quotes from When the Heart Waits...

"When you're waiting you're not doing nothing. You're doing the most important something there is. You're allowing your soul to grow up. If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what God created you to be."

"Contemplative waiting is consenting to be where we really are. People recoil from it because they don't want to be present to themselves. Such waiting causes a deep existential loneliness to surface, a feeling of being disconnected from oneself and from God. At the depths there is fear, fear of the dark chaos within ourselves."

I do feel comforted to remember that even in aloneness I'm not alone. Charlie and I once talked about the fear of facing ourselves, the unknown or the "dark chaos," that sometimes causes us to remain shallow in our times with God and constricts intimacy within our human relationships. I want to be less timid. To gaze at my soul, and yours, with unflinching honesty and the courage God provides.

dave ramsey's financial diet.

Thank you, Dave Ramsey. After watching only three DVD recordings of this corny guy, I actually do feel more financially peaceful! Imagine.

On Friday I met with Carla to examine my budget. It's good to have a second pair of eyes, you know? Here are the results of our corporate shakedown:

I paid off my credit card and made the fateful decision to not take on a $60,000 student loan debt. I think this was good for my financial solvency. I don't know what solvency means.

I can also, guilt-free and with no debt, acquire new Sonicare toothbrush heads, Norton Antivirus software, and a haircut...all within the next two months. Okay, I can tell you're not as excited as me and I'm okay with that. I am stoked.

In addition, at Carla's urging I increased my bi-monthly food budget from $10 to $35, which seems excessive to me but she insisted it was necessary. She made me promise to eat meals. Apparently occasional bagels at work don't cut it. So I went to Safeway and bought bananas, pasta, and juice, and walked out feeling completely domesticated and lovely. Like I should be wearing a skirt or something.

This week I will attempt a full-blown Dave Ramsey budget. I will keep you posted.

By the way, Amy is awesome.

like a technological 8-ball

Maybe the grief of the past three days can be written off to PMS. I'm not sure, but maybe.

Tonight I was about to ask Google what to do about my chronic feeling of aloneness. The deep aloneness that settled in years ago and flares up unexpectedly when I am surrounded by people and floors me with the sense that I am utterly on my own in this world. Google, how can I fix this persistant ache? I didn't end up asking Google because I knew Jesus would be jealous, with good reason. So I asked him instead.


I love you, Lacey...I love you! I love you!


My sad and desperate heart replied with equal vehemence,

I don't...know what...that means!
I don't know what that means.

I think I should turn off the Cranberries' "Ode to My Family" (let's be honest, it is not helping my situation!) and call it a night. Sometimes throwing in the towel is my best chance for victory.

Descartes

There should be more humility in philosophy. Kudos to this dude...

"...Above all we should impress on our memory as an infallible rule that what God has revealed to us is incomparably more certain than anything else; and that we ought to submit to Divine authority rather than to our own judgment even though the light of reason may seem to us to suggest, with the utmost clearness and evidence, something opposite" (Descartes in Principles of Philosophy).

In other, less esoteric, news...

I'm heading to Mars Hill Church tonight. I'm actually excited to not be carpooling and to not have made firm plans for afterward. Lately I have been quiet...my soul has been quiet. I am much more inclined to be alone with God than with groups of people. A lot of my energy and time have been spent on Him these past few weeks; my favorite moments are blocks of the afternoon that involve caffeine and biscotti. And I'm starting to feel like I am getting to know Him a little bit. I want more.

top ten

Today's Top Ten Best...Best Whatever:

1. Sunlight filtering through tree branches onto my cello music as I played Bach. I love that music, and the tree, and the sun, and my new room.
2. Chewing the fat (chatting) with my new roommates. We are bonding. I even farted in front of them.
3. More time studying Job - I'm on chapter 8!
4. Happy thoughts of Charlie's camping trip this weekend
5. Absconding an amazingly cute abandoned jacket from the back room at work
6. Realizing that God provided more than enough hours and tips to make up for the lack I calculated at the beginning of the week
7. Finally writing that email I meant to send days ago
8. Eating...I am loving food right now
9. Covering a shift at work for someone in need made me feel reeeeal good
10. Making my co-worker laugh. I love it when people think I'm funny.

one day at a time...one day.

Tonight I don't know what I want. Or maybe I just don't want to want what I want. Am I making myself clear?

I like to impress people. I have recently come to realize the sin side of this. But for better or worse it has been, and continues to be, a driving force in my life.

It was easy to impress people when my truest passions were generally big and impressive...or perhaps just unusual enough to make people shake their heads in wonder. I want to live in Europe by myself! I want to go to Africa and help impoverished, afflicted people! I want to be a youth pastor and change a million lives! I hate routine and security and comfort! I want to save the world!

And now...

now.

My heart is changing. My community here is as rich and vibrant as I ever experienced or imagined life overseas to be. My excitement level about meeting strangers in exotic locations is now matched, if not exceeded, by an unexpected and surprisingly passionate desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Who would have thought? I mean, really.

It is quite a shift and I am resisting it with all my might. I wish I still wanted what I wanted...you know, back in the day. Then I could still impress you. And me.

I wonder if my current desires will someday make peace with the former ones. I have no idea what God will do and continually remind myself that knowledge of the future is reserved for Him alone.

Back to the point. I asked God tonight if I should go to graduate school. I asked myself what I want most. I feel like I am at a crossroads. One road I imagine leading to a smaller and more self-contained life including a few beautiful, barfing babies and millions of fulfilling hours spent in the comfort of my home. The other involves lots of alone time poring over books in coffee shops, peer group time, and potential hours of amazing conversation and maybe being used by God to affect a great deal more people than just my immediate family and friends. Maybe a life overseas?

As if it's so clear. As if I can map this out so simply. I know life involves twists and turns I will never be able to predict. And God has more than enough wisdom to offer me at each step.

And as I conclude tonight, I repeat again and again to convince myself (and I believe it's working)...it is okay. It is okay. I have joy and challenge enough for today. And Jesus is my tomorrow.

help me help you

Spent hours at Cafe Ladro today lounging in a well-worn leather chair and devouring the book of Job and Matthew Henry's commentary. My heart was refreshed. I ended up making two lists: how to respond to affliction and how to comfort the afflicted.

My notes seem to indicate that there are only two types of people in this world... those who are suffering, and friends of the suffering people who almost always (often without realizing it) say the wrong thing.

Through studying this book I have become deeply convicted of what a little baby I am during suffering, as well as how much I have to learn about not being unhelpful to others when they suffer.

Some thoughts from today:

-Allow suffering people to speak freely about their sadness and frustration. Show grace and give them the benefit of the doubt. Make every effort to be a safe place for them to vent their feelings and questions without berating them or judging their character too harshly.

-"We must by prayer fetch in mercy and grace from God, though he contend with us. His favour we must seek when we have lost all we have in the world" (MHC, 523).

-"We cannot expect too little from the creature [humans] nor too much from the Creator. God will out-do our hopes as much as men come short of them" (MHC, 525).

-Better to die praying and praising than die complaining and arguing.

-If suffering people don't have the strength or will to serve God or be productive or help others, have compassion and encourage them to simply sit still in the presence of God.

-"'If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength, thy grace, is small' (Proverbs 24:10) but it does not therefore follow that thou hast no grace, no strength, at all" (MHC, 521).

-I can hate life for a season without ever losing my integrity and hating God.

-In affliction, don't wish for death. Remember that "life is our opportunity of glorifying God and getting ready for heaven" (MHC, 527).

-Love the Giver more than the gifts. "Though he slay me, I will hope in him" (Job 13:15).

-Give God the benefit of the doubt.

-"Peace is the house in which those dwell who dwell in God, and are at home in Him" (MHC, 524).

word to your mother

Lately I've been hit with holy conviction and it's tough, man. Every day the Lord, in His goodness, opens my eyes to more of my coyote ugly sin. It's not a pretty sight. I had no idea I was so wicked.

...what's that? You knew all along?

Thanks.

Ah, this sin. It penetrates deep and spreads wide and like an obese gorilla it sits on my chest and weighs me down so unbearably that I realize, again, that the Gospel is for me. ME. I need Jesus.

My friend Kristi sent me the lyrics to an old hymn last year when I was feeling quite down. I rediscovered her letter and wanted to post these words, mostly as a reminder to myself that the Savior is at hand and that he blesses my troubles. This is good news.

How Firm a Foundation

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
is laid for your faith in his excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled.

Fear not, I am with you, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen and help thee and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through firey trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace all sufficient shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose
I will not, I will not desert to its foes.
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake.

the speaking voice (tozer)

The Bible is the written Word of God, and because it is written it is confined and limited by the necessities of ink and paper and leather. The voice of God, however, is alive and free as the sovereign God is free. "The words I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life" (John 6:63). The life is in the speaking words. God's word in the Bible can have power only because it corresponds to God's word in the universe. It is the present Voice which makes the written word all-powerful. Otherwise it would lie locked in slumber within the covers of a book...

This universal Voice of God was by the ancient Hebrews often called Wisdom, and was said to be everywhere sounding and searching throughout the earth, seeking some response from the sons of men...It is spiritual response for which this Wisdom of God is pleading, a response which she has always sought and is but rarely able to secure...

This universal Voice has ever sounded, and it has often troubled men even when they did not understand the source of their fears. Could it be that this Voice distilling like a living mist upon the hearts of men has been the undiscovered cause of the troubled conscience and the longing for immortality confessed by millions since the dawn of recorded history?...

(from The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer)

library return day - ew.

This morning I resolved to return my overdue library materials. My patron status is delinquent. It is now time to take action.

First stop, the library website. Various cries of dismay, "I returned that already! Oh, wait..." and "That wasn't even a good book!" accompanied my first glance. Sixteen overdue items? Really? That can't be right...

Well, there is no time to wallow in literary self-pity. Time to get moving.

A few were easy. Two uninformative books about how to get cash for grad school were already stacked in a corner. This is a good start. "How to Teach Piano Successfully" was molding in my trunk. No worse for the wear. I added it to the pile. The "Freedom Writers" DVD had been in my living room so long I had to search for it amidst our own DVD collection. Success! Victory! And such a relief because I actually did think that one was lost. A funny coincidence that this was my "delinquent" item. So far, so good.

The next ones took a bit more work. About two months ago I checked out 10 CDs from the Lynnwood Library. They were a joy to behold but the tricky buggers had since hidden themselves in all sorts of places. The search began. I found Rufus Wainwright stowed away in the case for Madeleine Peyroux. I don't blame him - she is much more talented than he is. But where is Madeleine? I'll come back to her.

After multiple trips to every CD player in our house I discovered the lovely Portuguese Cesaria Nevora. A sigh. She is just so good. Maybe I won't return her just yet...? NO! Today is the day! Cesaria's case is still M.I.A.

The Shel Silverstein spoken word cd SUCKED and on principle I refuse to pay for it. I mean, really. "My Girl" is hiding out at a friend's house. I hope.

A few more bookshelf hunts and frantic car searches has unearthed a total of 8 books, 1 DVD, 3 complete CDs (with cases), one case and one orphan CD. Oh crap. I'm out of ideas.

Friends, let my folly be an example to you. Please learn from my mistake and never check out any library items you will resent having to pay for. Or I guess you could just return them before they're overdue. As Madeleine Peyroux croons on the album I still can't find, "If you think that time will change your ways, don't wait too long."

celebrate celebrate

I have been encouraged to celebrate personal victories. "Hey guys, party at my house...I am no longer afraid of being sad!"

Well. You don't need to come over but I think I might buy myself Chinese food for lunch.

Here's something I realized last night: I'll never let people show me true love if I'm always hiding my true self.

Today is a day for smiling :)

and i shall study me.

The people who surround me seem to survive. They get along well enough day to day. And as I struggle to decide whether to subject myself to the emotional boot camp of Mars Hill Graduate School, the process I will enter of grieving my personal story, forgiving and being healed, and learning how to do the same for others, I ask myself out of sheer laziness and self-concern, “Do I really have to?”

Honestly, is the time and expense worth it? Most of the people who order coffee from me have not given a second thought to exploring their personal history and issues and their deepest desires. Or if they have they find it too painful or challenging or scary or time-consuming or disruptive and choose to shut their hearts off. They survive, and more…they raise children and maintain a relationship with their spouse and go to work and enjoy racquetball on the weekends.

But this lack of examination kills. It stunts relationships and personal growth. It limits the ability of others to dream and hope and strive for more life.

The symptoms are many…A stubborn unwillingness to own one’s own sin. Immaturity. A tendency to blame others unreasonably. Self-absorption. Fear-driven decision making. An endless habit of repeating the same destructive behaviors. An avoidance of relationship and intimacy.

What I fear will happen if I don’t spend significant time examining my life, searching for God and my truest self, is that I will raise emotionally and spiritually unhealthy children, breeding into them the sins and tragedies of my own personal story. And that the people around me will be uninspired, unable to see God, and bored by the lack of vision in my life. I do not want to be the cause of their discouragement.

"...when we have lost ourselves we must remember to return to our past redemptions to find God's marks of glory on our abandonment, betrayal, and shame. We wrongly believe that we will be happy if we can escape the past. But without our past we are hollow and plastic beings who only have common names and conventional stories" (To Be Told).

I guess my assumption is that examining my life will eventually lead to healing. There is hope in that. I believe it will naturally produce changed attitudes and behavior, maturity and wisdom. These characteristics have an infinite capacity to bless the people around us.

When I meet people who have a joyful and sober view of life that is based on reality, and a true desperation and love for God that flows from a deep understanding of their divinity and depravity as humans, I am exalted. I feel stronger as I speak with them. I am encouraged to new ways of thinking. My eyes are opened to truth.

I want to be this person. For you, for my family and people I love who aren’t technically family. For children and grandchildren and kids on the street.

I do not believe it is my fate to discover the cure for cancer. Someone would have to walk up to me on the street and hand it to me for my name to ever carry that legacy. I do not think I will earn millions of dollars and gain glory for God because of my philanthropy. I do not ever anticipate memorizing the Bible in Hebrew and Greek and unlocking Biblical secrets.

Instead, I carry my destiny inside me, right around that intangible spot where my heart dwells. I am a woman who cares deeply about the people who surround me. I am blessed with compassion and a desire to see God glorified. I love teenagers. I hope one day to have a family. I want to love them so well. I am desperate to bless strangers and provide hospitality. In this path I am walking on, wisdom, maturity and a sincere love for God will be the necessary tools of my trade.

Today, MHGS seems like a good investment. My rebuttal will probably follow tomorrow.

the Allender of Dan

As a result of Adam and Eve's folly, we all have been cast east of Eden. We live as aliens who know we are not at home and whose plot always involves efforts to rise above the tragedy of our condition. We seek a way to return to Eden that will bring resolution and peace. We are looking for our Eden and the intimacy we would have known with our heavenly Parent had we not disobeyed. At the same time, we are trying to make sense of the earthly parents we have been given. And we are simultaneously trying to understand our time, face, and name.

In other words, we are trying to make sense of our story.

from "to be told" by Dan Allender

okay

Everything is eternally okay. By that, I mean resolved. A resounding resolution that penetrates the deepest caverns of our lives, bouncing off the hard of heart and absorbed into the pores of those who yearn for truth. This glorious roar of reconciliation between God and man leaves nothing, no one untouched. It drowns out the shrieking voices of my fears. Everything is eternally okay.

and the Word was with God...

...and the Word fell out of its leather binding.

The inner pages of my Bible have wrestled free from their constrictive outer shell. I usually attempt to keep them together in order to prevent further mutilation of the curled, gold-edged sheets. The inscription on the inside, printed in neat architect-style handwriting, are words of blessing from Pastor Steve as I graduated high school. It begins thus:

"MY HOPE IS THAT YOU WEAR THESE PAGES RAGGED FINDING THE ANSWERS TO YOUR SOUL SEARCHING QUESTIONS. I PRAY THAT YOU NEVER LOSE THAT ABOUT YOURSELF..."


Confession: I have intentionally abused this Bible. Sometimes I throw it around to speed the fulfillment of Steve's hope for me. I wear his words as some sort of spiritual identity. I want you to look at my Bible and be impressed by how much I love God. I like that it looks well-used. Makes me feel proud.

Is the better way that someone would look at my life and know that I love God? I think we can fake spirituality by adopting the right Christian words or destroying our Bibles. I sometimes even deceive myself in this way. But to know God and be known by Him... this is what I desire for me and encourage for you this week. Can we agree to stop playing games?

God, give us courage to be seen by you...and others...for what we truly are.

poetry is supposed to be depressing

Sorrow bleeds from blue eyes
glistening radiant beside
stained crimson cheeks.

The mirror reflects
damp desperation, it
streaks the face.
This wide-eyed gaze,
deluge of desire,
devastates my heart.

vespers

I made tea tonight. I found dried mint leaves in a canning jar hidden within the small cupboard above the stove. I even used a kettle, just to be rustic. I have been desperate for communion, intimacy, fellowship and family, and though the house is quiet again and empty of the warm clamor and chaos of human presence, the tea is comforting and kind in my aloneness.

This is what I appreciate most about today: Charlie's compassionate loan of this computer and a bonding moment watching "The Office" on the floor of his room. Confident words from my dad. His assurance, once again, that everything is actually okay. The fact that God uses me in the midst of brokenness and confusion. That he only needs my willingness, not my pefection, in order to use me to serve others. Prayers on my behalf. A podcast about relationships that inspired me toward selfless, Jesus-style love. My overwhelmed response to this podcast that indicates I may have understood something true about the kind of love I am called to offer. Eritrean coffee and a friend named Luam. So great. A call to set up this week's Italian lesson.

In the midst of so many wonderful things this day has had miserable moments as well. I resist them with all my mental and emotional strength. I hate misery. But unfortunately, my intense frustration does not seem to scare my sadness away. The combination of these two emotions is so heavy that I just wanted to give up.

But here's where I need to let hope penetrate. I want to be a person who has a healthy relationship with my tragic emotions. I want to wave at them as they pass but refuse to allow them to determine my day. I want to be a person who hopes. I wish for my eyes to be fixed on dreams and vision, to make endless lists of the adventures I want to have and the kind of person I am excited to become.

When I was young I dreamed of helping everyone in the world by providing them with housing, recreation, and even letters in the mail so they would feel special ("I'm a special guy!")... and now I feel burnt out, afraid, and helpless. God forbid this is where I stay. In Him, I long to rediscover this passion for others and talk back to voices that tell me I can't, I shouldn't, I won't. I want to live a life of faith, directed by what God says is possible.

Sometimes it gives me confidence to write these things down.

Today, however, my cloudy mood would not glide away. I was most grateful to remember that I can be completely honest with God. There isn't a limit to the number of times I get to moan about the same issues. He is not frustrated when I seem to regress. He can handle my temper tantrums. He even knows what to do with my sin.

My heart feels stronger tonight than it did this morning. I count that as progress and look forward to the same tomorrow. Amen, everyone, and goodnight.

p.s. The podcast about relations is called DISCUSSIONS by Patrick Dodson and the episode is titled "Unconditional Love." You can find it on iTunes.

a new blog!

Hey dudes.

I wanted to give you a link to a new blog Jon Ullberg started for the Underground Youth at Northlake. It's hip. And there's an awesome video from crazy Jesus people. Real, real good.

Underground ReLOVEution

for your viewing pleasure