Today's Top Ten Best...Best Whatever:
1. Sunlight filtering through tree branches onto my cello music as I played Bach. I love that music, and the tree, and the sun, and my new room.
2. Chewing the fat (chatting) with my new roommates. We are bonding. I even farted in front of them.
3. More time studying Job - I'm on chapter 8!
4. Happy thoughts of Charlie's camping trip this weekend
5. Absconding an amazingly cute abandoned jacket from the back room at work
6. Realizing that God provided more than enough hours and tips to make up for the lack I calculated at the beginning of the week
7. Finally writing that email I meant to send days ago
8. Eating...I am loving food right now
9. Covering a shift at work for someone in need made me feel reeeeal good
10. Making my co-worker laugh. I love it when people think I'm funny.
Saturday, February 7
one day at a time...one day.
Tonight I don't know what I want. Or maybe I just don't want to want what I want. Am I making myself clear?
I like to impress people. I have recently come to realize the sin side of this. But for better or worse it has been, and continues to be, a driving force in my life.
It was easy to impress people when my truest passions were generally big and impressive...or perhaps just unusual enough to make people shake their heads in wonder. I want to live in Europe by myself! I want to go to Africa and help impoverished, afflicted people! I want to be a youth pastor and change a million lives! I hate routine and security and comfort! I want to save the world!
And now...
now.
My heart is changing. My community here is as rich and vibrant as I ever experienced or imagined life overseas to be. My excitement level about meeting strangers in exotic locations is now matched, if not exceeded, by an unexpected and surprisingly passionate desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Who would have thought? I mean, really.
It is quite a shift and I am resisting it with all my might. I wish I still wanted what I wanted...you know, back in the day. Then I could still impress you. And me.
I wonder if my current desires will someday make peace with the former ones. I have no idea what God will do and continually remind myself that knowledge of the future is reserved for Him alone.
Back to the point. I asked God tonight if I should go to graduate school. I asked myself what I want most. I feel like I am at a crossroads. One road I imagine leading to a smaller and more self-contained life including a few beautiful, barfing babies and millions of fulfilling hours spent in the comfort of my home. The other involves lots of alone time poring over books in coffee shops, peer group time, and potential hours of amazing conversation and maybe being used by God to affect a great deal more people than just my immediate family and friends. Maybe a life overseas?
As if it's so clear. As if I can map this out so simply. I know life involves twists and turns I will never be able to predict. And God has more than enough wisdom to offer me at each step.
And as I conclude tonight, I repeat again and again to convince myself (and I believe it's working)...it is okay. It is okay. I have joy and challenge enough for today. And Jesus is my tomorrow.
I like to impress people. I have recently come to realize the sin side of this. But for better or worse it has been, and continues to be, a driving force in my life.
It was easy to impress people when my truest passions were generally big and impressive...or perhaps just unusual enough to make people shake their heads in wonder. I want to live in Europe by myself! I want to go to Africa and help impoverished, afflicted people! I want to be a youth pastor and change a million lives! I hate routine and security and comfort! I want to save the world!
And now...
now.
My heart is changing. My community here is as rich and vibrant as I ever experienced or imagined life overseas to be. My excitement level about meeting strangers in exotic locations is now matched, if not exceeded, by an unexpected and surprisingly passionate desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Who would have thought? I mean, really.
It is quite a shift and I am resisting it with all my might. I wish I still wanted what I wanted...you know, back in the day. Then I could still impress you. And me.
I wonder if my current desires will someday make peace with the former ones. I have no idea what God will do and continually remind myself that knowledge of the future is reserved for Him alone.
Back to the point. I asked God tonight if I should go to graduate school. I asked myself what I want most. I feel like I am at a crossroads. One road I imagine leading to a smaller and more self-contained life including a few beautiful, barfing babies and millions of fulfilling hours spent in the comfort of my home. The other involves lots of alone time poring over books in coffee shops, peer group time, and potential hours of amazing conversation and maybe being used by God to affect a great deal more people than just my immediate family and friends. Maybe a life overseas?
As if it's so clear. As if I can map this out so simply. I know life involves twists and turns I will never be able to predict. And God has more than enough wisdom to offer me at each step.
And as I conclude tonight, I repeat again and again to convince myself (and I believe it's working)...it is okay. It is okay. I have joy and challenge enough for today. And Jesus is my tomorrow.
Friday, February 6
help me help you
Spent hours at Cafe Ladro today lounging in a well-worn leather chair and devouring the book of Job and Matthew Henry's commentary. My heart was refreshed. I ended up making two lists: how to respond to affliction and how to comfort the afflicted.
My notes seem to indicate that there are only two types of people in this world... those who are suffering, and friends of the suffering people who almost always (often without realizing it) say the wrong thing.
Through studying this book I have become deeply convicted of what a little baby I am during suffering, as well as how much I have to learn about not being unhelpful to others when they suffer.
Some thoughts from today:
-Allow suffering people to speak freely about their sadness and frustration. Show grace and give them the benefit of the doubt. Make every effort to be a safe place for them to vent their feelings and questions without berating them or judging their character too harshly.
-"We must by prayer fetch in mercy and grace from God, though he contend with us. His favour we must seek when we have lost all we have in the world" (MHC, 523).
-"We cannot expect too little from the creature [humans] nor too much from the Creator. God will out-do our hopes as much as men come short of them" (MHC, 525).
-Better to die praying and praising than die complaining and arguing.
-If suffering people don't have the strength or will to serve God or be productive or help others, have compassion and encourage them to simply sit still in the presence of God.
-"'If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength, thy grace, is small' (Proverbs 24:10) but it does not therefore follow that thou hast no grace, no strength, at all" (MHC, 521).
-I can hate life for a season without ever losing my integrity and hating God.
-In affliction, don't wish for death. Remember that "life is our opportunity of glorifying God and getting ready for heaven" (MHC, 527).
-Love the Giver more than the gifts. "Though he slay me, I will hope in him" (Job 13:15).
-Give God the benefit of the doubt.
-"Peace is the house in which those dwell who dwell in God, and are at home in Him" (MHC, 524).
My notes seem to indicate that there are only two types of people in this world... those who are suffering, and friends of the suffering people who almost always (often without realizing it) say the wrong thing.
Through studying this book I have become deeply convicted of what a little baby I am during suffering, as well as how much I have to learn about not being unhelpful to others when they suffer.
Some thoughts from today:
-Allow suffering people to speak freely about their sadness and frustration. Show grace and give them the benefit of the doubt. Make every effort to be a safe place for them to vent their feelings and questions without berating them or judging their character too harshly.
-"We must by prayer fetch in mercy and grace from God, though he contend with us. His favour we must seek when we have lost all we have in the world" (MHC, 523).
-"We cannot expect too little from the creature [humans] nor too much from the Creator. God will out-do our hopes as much as men come short of them" (MHC, 525).
-Better to die praying and praising than die complaining and arguing.
-If suffering people don't have the strength or will to serve God or be productive or help others, have compassion and encourage them to simply sit still in the presence of God.
-"'If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength, thy grace, is small' (Proverbs 24:10) but it does not therefore follow that thou hast no grace, no strength, at all" (MHC, 521).
-I can hate life for a season without ever losing my integrity and hating God.
-In affliction, don't wish for death. Remember that "life is our opportunity of glorifying God and getting ready for heaven" (MHC, 527).
-Love the Giver more than the gifts. "Though he slay me, I will hope in him" (Job 13:15).
-Give God the benefit of the doubt.
-"Peace is the house in which those dwell who dwell in God, and are at home in Him" (MHC, 524).
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